Just Forking Around

My plan...

2008-11-28T21:17:00.000-06:00

This week, I am checking into adopting and foster-to-adopt procedures in Wyoming. Right now, I will do whatever it takes to get Miss M here!

****

My goal is for her to have a home for Christmas. We all need that!! And this kiddo has been through so much. It would be good for her to have permanency.

****

I am walking into this fully aware of her past and her present challenges. And I know I can handle it. I've always loved this kiddo and there is nothing that would prevent me from helping her.

****

It's funny how God works. His plan is always in motion, always fluid under the surface of our day-to-day lives. I believe that this is God's plan for me and for Miss M as well!

****

I hope u all had a Happy Turkey Day! I spent mine with Missy Puppy Dog, watching tv and eating lasagne...wishing I was with family. But at least I will be with my mom at Christmas. And, if it God's will, Miss M will be with me!!

An AMAZING story...hopefully just a beginning

2008-11-23T11:00:00.000-06:00

In another lifetime, in a land far far away, I worked with a family who had a difficult time dealing with their children. There was parental addiction and other issues, but a lot of love. There were behavioral issues in the older child (Miss M), but these were controllable with structure and attention as well as affection. I worked very hard to keep the family intact and clean. The family worked hard as well. While I was there, 5-7 days a week in the house and calling daily, the family was able to grow. Their love grew, their discipline style changed, and behaviors virtually disappeared. The family was clean and happy. Not perfect, but then again, none of us are!!! So services were gradually decreased and their case was closed. At three months the family was doing well.

***

Through the grapevine, I learned that the family had relapsed. Parents had split up and were using again. Miss M was once again displaying behaviors. That was the last that I heard. It broke my heart, for I had grown VERY close to Miss M and close to mom as well. This was about 3 years ago.

***

I got a call a week ago...out of the blue. Miss M is now in late childhood and mom's parental rights have been terminated. There are a lack of adoptive placements in the area where this child lives and somehow, through the grace of God, my name and contact information found it's way into the right hands. Miss M is up for adoption now.

***

I don't know what the future holds. None of us do. But I formed a special bond with Miss M a number of years ago and am hoping to see if that bond still exists and can grow into a forever home for her! I adore this child and would be privaleged...no, I would be honored to be her forever home!

*********

(out of necessity to this kiddo's age and the need for confidentiality, identifying information must be excluded)

Thinking...

2008-11-15T00:26:00.003-06:00

How I wish I could speak freely...my thoughts are filled to overflowing with excitement and trepidation and questions. I am seeking answers, as I am both a questioning/curious person and a logical/realistic person. This makes for a well rounded individual as well as a competent counselor, I think.

Now, in saying this, I do not say that I am simply book smart and have lived my life through my education. I have experienced more of life than most individuals have. If I know you well enough and trust you, we can debate that one-on-one. I form deep attachments to those I care for and my truest friends remain so for life. I will say that my life experiences allow for more trust, disclosure, progress, and ultimately success with the vast majority of clients I see. This is why I am grateful for all of the experiences I have had in my life, both good and bad.

One of my biggest shortcoming over the years has been patience. Not with my clients...not at all! I can track baby steps, I can sit silently with the client who is unable/unwilling/afraid to talk. I can explain the same things over and over again and remain calm and supportive when the same mistake continues repeatedly. It is with myself that I have always lacked patience. I have always been strong, a survivor, confident, independent, and capable. The past 2 1/2 months have challenged that. I have had to be patient with myself. I learned to ask for help and support when I needed it most, and to accept that not everyone was willing to be the support I needed at the time. Then it was time to reach out to someone else. I learned to rest when my body told me to do so, and to not obsess about how much time I was sleeping, for the brain heals during sleep.

I have been afraid. Afraid to trust, afraid to open up again. Then I found a friend locally who I could share with. Someone who has been through a lot in his life, too. I am beginning to trust him, and he understands why this trust takes time. And accepts it. So far, he has been nothing less than a geltleman- kind, soft, and affectionate. It has been very nice.

No, this is not my news. These are simply random thoughts. My brain is consumed with what I am not saying. Which is even better! And this news will hopefully take more form within the next week... :o)

Good days.....

2008-11-14T15:05:00.003-06:00

I do enjoy relaxing inside with a good book, tv on in the background, while it's chilly and there's snow on the ground outside! And there's a kind of perverse pleasure in doing that on Fridays, knowing that others have to work while I can just hang out in my pyjama's...

:o) Sorry!! Just had to go there!

Life is going very well...although I am learning that things never happen as expected...or as planned! I am hoping to have some excitement in my life soon to share with my blogging world!

In the meantime, I am simply living my life, having fun. I've made some very good friends here in Sheridan. I find it interesting that overall, I tend to have many more male friends than female. This has not changed over the years. I just relate well and can relax more...I'd rather chill out and watch football than get dressed up and go to the mall. That's simplistic, I know. But it's a pattern. That is only an example.

Just haven't been in the mood...

2008-11-08T14:33:00.002-06:00

I've spent the last couple of weeks getting used to going back to work and keeping a schedule again. It's been great being back, but when I am not there, I'm still pretty tired. So I work for a few hours, go home and take a nap, then work for a few more hours. Then I have to find time to do all the usual household stuff. I am also trying hard to get out of the house and meet people and make new friends.

So, long story short, I am not blowing you off, blogging world!! I am getting my life back on track and have been quite busy. I have clearance to start working with fertility docs on having a child...so have that going on as well. :o) I do miss you all, but wanted to let you know that I'm okay and life is better and better!!

Hugs to you all!!!!

The next day...

2008-10-29T13:22:00.002-05:00

I think I described things well last night. Because it is the light of day, I am feeling fine. I am at work and preparing to see clients. I am tired and my head hurts, but I'm doing fine. I am back in a thinking mode and am fine with that. It works for me! And I think it IS healthy for my clients. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a robot, working without empathy or any sense of feelings whatsoever. I am just closing off my own emotional baggage. I wish that I could do it forever. It feels good-it makes me feel stronger and more in control. But night time is difficult. Things are quieter and there are less distractions. The emotions take control sometimes and they overwhelm me sometimes. I am learning some skills, though, that I am hoping will help.

I am going to start seeing 5 families next week. That doesn't sound like a lot, but that means I will be seeing 12 children. And their parents. It is kind of overwhelming. But I know I can handle it. I am not sure I will be able to come back full time in 2 weeks like I originally planned, though. I get sooo tired.

Weolcome to...blogging while "Comfortably Numb"

2008-10-28T23:19:00.003-05:00

Okay, please realize that much of what of what I am thinking and feeling is natural and for the most part does not carry over to my professional life. I am currently experiencing PTSD symptoms, anxiety/panic symptoms, and (tonight especially) a lot of anger and resentment toward my ex.

One thing I need to clear up. Why did I do what I did? Why did I not press charges and not have things handled locally through the local police department? The major reason is distance. I simply wanted as much space as possible between us so that I could move on with my life. I did not expect what happened to happen. I knew it was a possibility. Another related reason was that if things were handled here, he would be here for hearings, would be bonded out, and available for further incidents. Distance was the logical answer. One much more minor reason was that I simply wanted him gone from my life.

Tonight, I am angry. I am tired all the time. I can function for 3-4 hours, but then need to rest. My head hurts all of the time. I'm told this may last for a year! I have nightmares every night and flashbacks at times during the day. I have anxiety every evening that sometimes lead to panic attacks. I am scared of relationships with men and am not trusting. I am angry and I am blaming. I am a pacifist at heart, but I want karma to come around and bite him on the ass! It's just not fair!! (yes, I'm whining!)

What I want right now I cannot blog about. I would never do it anyway. Nor do I have resources to have it done. But hey!! It gives me something to look at and wish for when things get their darkest!

I probably shouldn't blog about this, but has been tearing me up inside. I somehow have screwed up a friendship of someone online who was very special to me. I don't know what I did and this person won't give me a chance to work it out. I cant describe how much this sucks...but it does. Maybe it happened during those weeks when I have no recall of what I did or where I went or anything else, due to the concussion and what the docs call Post Concussive Syndrome. I Dunno.

I am doing what I need to do to express my feelings right now without losing it. While maintaining control. I have been so focused on thinking and not feeling lately that I decided it was time to talk more in depth about my feelings. I don't know how successful I've been, but I've tried. Here anyway.

And more anxiety...

2008-10-27T20:02:00.005-05:00

Work went well today. It really did. While I didn't see any clients, I began to settle back in and work on a plan to transition my clients back to my care. It was only four hours and I left feeling exhausted, but satisfied that I will be able to transition back.

Last night, I had a conversation with LC. I clarified the boundaries of our relationship. We are friends. We live too far apart to pursue anything more and there are issues that need to be worked on. There were two things that I told him, two revelations, that are significant.

Right now, I am working very hard to focus on thinking and not feeling. Feeling leads to bad things. I know that this is unhealthy, but it is the truth right now. I am not numb. I can feel the walls going up, though. I went through a period in my past where I was "hard," for lack of a better word. I was angry, fearless, and pretty much didn't care. I don't want to end up there. But I am not able to handle feelings very well right now.

The other concept is something that is not new to me, but something that I have not voiced in a long time. Every man in my life that I have been close to has left. My dad died, my oldest brother died (within months of each other). My uncle died. My ex did not leave me in the same way, but he was someone that I loved and trusted at one time who...well...you all know the story. One of my brothers is an alcoholic with mental health issues...he never really liked me. But my other brother, the one closest to my age, decided that he hated me many years ago over a stupid feud. I adored and idolized him and he left me, too. Haven't spoken to him in about 15 years.

I just finished having a panic attack and I don't know what set it off. That bothers me. I try to analyze it and figure it all out. But sometimes I can't. And that sucks.

anxiety...

2008-10-26T22:50:00.005-05:00

I am anxious about going back to work. I shouldn't be (anxious). When I think logically, I know that I am good at my job. I am just about back to normal physically and emotionally. I work with folks that are very supportive. My employer held my job for almost 2 months to allow me time to heal from the most debilitating symptoms of the post concussive syndrome.

***

But there is a part of me that is panicked, freaked out at going back and resuming my job. This part of my brain is illogical and tries to convince me that I am not well enough and that I can't hack it. This part of my brain tells me that I can't do my job and will fail. I know where those words come from. They are not my words, but words that I have heard. The associated feelings, though, are mine. I have to take ownership of how I respond to those words.

***

So I try. But some nights it is difficult to focus on positive self talk, deep breathing, calming exercises. Tonight is one of those nights. The negativity leads to anxiety and, if I can't get it under control, will lead to a panic attack.

Short term goals (disjointed ramblings)

2008-10-26T22:12:00.002-05:00

There are a lot of things that have been on my mind. I am beginning to organize these thoughts into plans and looking to see if they are short term goals (within a year), medium range goals (within 3 years), or long term goals (within 5 years). Long term goals are difficult, because there are some factors that are not set (like where I will be living and when I have a child). By far, the easiest goals are short term. Here are my plans for the next year or so:

I already discussed my goal of getting pregnant within the next year. But there are other goals that I have as well. None quite as controversial though.

I want to breed Missy Puppy Dog once, either in February or August, depending on the weather. So I need to find a reputable breeder nearby.

I need to file for divorce soon. It will have to wait until I am back to work full time, because Short Term Disability does NOT pay well!!

I need to begin to repare for the NCE (National Counselor Exam) with the goal of taking it in 2009.

I would like to begin looking at PsyD/PhD programs in clinical psychology to see what is available in the area and what would fit my long term goals best.

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I'm sure there are more, but those are the goals that are on the top of my list.

Back to work

2008-10-26T14:33:00.002-05:00

Well, I am going back to work tomorrow. I can't believe it's been almost 2 months since I've worked. I think I'm ready to go back. But I'm nervous. It feels like I'm starting a new job, even though I already know everyone there. It's kind of strange. I'm still not sure how I will arrange working part time - which of my established clients I will see weekly, which every other week, how many clients per week, etc.

It feels strange to go back to work where everyone knows what happenned 2 months ago and what I've been through. I'm a pretty private person. So it just feels odd. But I know everyone there is supportive and understanding.

**sigh** just pre-work jitters...

Further proof that my brain is healing...

2008-10-23T23:37:00.004-05:00

After working on an ancient desktop monster of a computer that crashes and freezes at will for two months, I realized something. I have been trying to figure out how to reset the wireless modem/router so that I could bypass the firewall, change the passwords, and get online with my laptop.

I have tried EVERYTHING for almost 2 months...resetting the modem/router (all in one system). It wouldn't reset and I didn't have the password to access the settings for it. Since it is old, it's not under warranty. I called customer service and they did everything they could, other than having me send it in for service. No luck. I searched all over for the password and couldn't find it anywhere. Today I went to the cable company and got a wireless modem and will have to buy a router soon. I was planning on doing it today.

Until...

I realized something.

I simply unplugged the ethernet cord from the ancient desktop computer and plugged it into my laptop. It tethers me to the modem, but at least I can work on my laptop again!

I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out...it has to be the brain injury healing. I guarantee you, blogging world, I am NOT that stupid!!!

Sheesh! :o)

Near Future Plans

2008-10-22T21:51:00.004-05:00

Ok, now that I am feeling almost "normal" (for me) and am just about healed physically and emotionally, I am working on my goals. Now, don't get me wrong, the goal I am about to discuss is not new. It was my goal and plan before I married. That goal then changed and was put on hold, for many reasons. But it is time to begin anew.

I am preparing to have a child. I am preparing to have a child on my own, as a single mother. This does not mean that I am neglecting the importance of support, as I have friends and family that are supportive. Nor does it mean that I am neglecting the importance of a male influence in a child's life. Once again, I have friends and family.

We live in a society with an extremely high divorce rate and an extremely low marital satisfaction rate. A child is more likely to be psychologically healthy in a loving single parent home than in an unhappy/unstable dual parent home.

At 38, it is time for me to have a child. I am stable financially, emotionally (other than recent events), and am physically healthy. My biological clock has been ticking for years, but logic overruled. Now logic is aligned with my heart and soul. It is time to pursue a pregnancy.

So, where am I in this process? I have had clearance (physically) from my OBGYN. They are supportive of my decision. I spoke with my doctor and I agree that I really need to wait for a couple of months to ensure that my head injury has completely healed. But beyond that, he is supportive as well. In the meantime, I am tracking my ovulation and choosing a sperm bank to begin the paperwork process.

Until a couple of weeks ago, plans were that LC was going to be the father of my child. But I don't think it is a good idea at this point. It would add complications to an already complicated situation. Besides, he hasn't called me or sent a text in more than a week. So I am inclined to just let it go. I want to focus on myself and my healing right now anyway. LC and I will always have our friendship. But that's all.

Where did Fall go??

2008-10-22T01:01:00.002-05:00

I somehow missed all of the beautiful fall colors. I'm sure it had something to do with the crap that was going on and the fact that I have a memory gap of almost three weeks, but still...I really was excited to see how beautiful the colors were here in the Big Horn Mountains. I'm kinda bummed that I need to wait for another year to see them first hand.

While I am a summer girl, I have always enjoyed watching the leaves turn as autumn creeps toward winter. I remember how much I dreaded raking leaves as a child though. We had three huge oak trees in the front yard and mom insisted that every leaf was raked up and bagged before snowfall. She always said that oak leaves were the only leaves that don't decompose and that they would kill the grass if they weren't raked or bagged. It wasn't my job to debate with my mom...I just did my part. Usually. And not always willingly...especially as a teen.

This year, I can't rake. I can't cut the grass. And I actually want to do it! But I will next year.

Something to feel good about...

2008-10-17T13:12:00.004-05:00

77%

Brought to you courtesy of Epi at Pink Warm and Dry (one of my FAVORITE blogs!!)

:o)

Single and happy...

2008-10-16T12:51:00.002-05:00

Well, mom left yesterday. I miss her already! I really enjoyed the time we spent together. I believe that it was good for both of us. It was definitely comforting and relaxing for me!

I'm going back to work part time a week from Monday. I am ready to focus on others and help them. And I'm thankful I still have my job to go back to!!

LC...out of respect to him, I won't go into detail right now. But things are in limbo and we are moving towards a friendship at this point moreso than a relationship. I am fine with this, though. I enjoy being single and am currently reorganizing plans to accomplish the goals that I have.

The past few days

2008-10-09T23:32:00.002-05:00

They have been good and bad.
I absolutely love having mom here. I feel better day by day. Mom and I are catching up on things, both significant and insignificant. We are going out daily, or just about daily, even if it is just to the store. This allows me to get some exercise, even if it is only for an hour or so.
We went for a drive yesterday that took most of the day. We drove through the mountains, looking at the fall leaves. We went to Medicine Wheel , but it was REALLY cold, so did not spend much time there. There is a winter storm coming, with snow through Monday. No big deal. It's not like I really have anything to do.
I began physical therapy for my headache and hopefully they will diminish soon. Meds are helping, but I still have had a constant headache since "it" happened

There have been some bad things going on recently.
I have a firewall set around my desktop computer. It was also set around my laptop computer. I had to get a new hard drive for my laptop, though. And I can't find the pass code to get back online and through the firewall. This sucks. So I am still stuck using this old desktop computer.
I am also trying to deal with some stuff going on with LC and our relationship. It is not time to post details. But it is adding more stress to my life right now.

That's about it. I'm doing better and better and thank God that things are going so well. I also thank my friends...including you all...for your support, words of encouragements, and positive thoughts!!!!! :o) I Luv u all!

Better and Better

2008-10-05T02:06:00.002-05:00

My mom is here and every day I feel a little bit better. I have quite a bit of memory loss from the time of the "incident" until a week ago...things are very spotty. But I think that's normal. Still not sleeping a lot or very well, so am constantly tired (exhausted). Head hurts still. But other symptoms are either MUCH better or gone altogether.

I am looking at going back to work three weeks from Monday. Not full time, but for maybe 20 hours a week to start.

I was looking around today and noticed how beautiful the fall colors are. I am still in no shape to go hiking, but plan on taking my mom for a drive in the mountains this week. It is gorgeous here!

Well, I am off to rest, but wanted to post another update. :o)

What a difference a week makes

2008-09-30T20:40:00.002-05:00

Every day I am feeling better. Still having some symptoms, but nothing too serious. Still have MAJOR head pain (duh - it's a concussion!), insomnia, some nausea, and get tired really easy. I still have some memory loss from the past three weeks. But compared to how I felt a week ago...or three weeks ago? It's amazing.

I don't think I'll be out of work for 3 months. Probably a few more weeks, though. I can drive again, but am still not doing a lot. I get tired way too easy to go hiking or to do anything of any substance.

My mom is on her way here. She'll be here sometime tomorrow and will be staying for 2 weeks. It will be awesome to have her here to help and support me. Not that you all aren't supportive...you guys are fantastically supportive!!! But sometimes a gal needs her mama, ya know what I mean? :o)

It's been a scary weekend...

2008-09-28T20:58:00.002-05:00

consisting of two pretty good days, all things considered. Translation: My head and wrist still hurt, especially my head. But thought processes and memory are a bit more clear.
***
Could this be a pattern? I surely hope so!! :o)
***
Now if only there were a solution to pain management that didn't involve so many drugs that I am in a stupor...I did not take narcotic drugs this weekend. This meant more intense pain, but more clarity. I see the doctor tomorrow, so I am hoping that there can be some compromise between the two.

Thank You...Me Gusto Mucho

2008-09-28T00:06:00.003-05:00

I have to take a minute and thank you, LC, for your unconditional love and support. I know you are not my only loyal supporter. I have millions of loyal followers, ya know. :o) But it is your birthday. And you know how special you are to me. Hopefully this blog will take a clear turn upwards thanks to you and me. A note to all of my other loyal followers: Tales of exploits will be edited to be PG-rated. LOL

:o) Happy Birthday! Me amore mucho!! (I don't know if I spelled it right, but you know what I mean!)

Update

2008-09-27T14:57:00.003-05:00

I have been officially diagnosed as having post concussive syndrome and the docs tell me that in three months the symptoms I have will resolve. I'm not convinced. Right now, I am having a difficult time coping with life. My counselor and my mom think that it would be good for me to stay with her until I am released to go back to work. I disagree, but don't know how clouded my judgement is right now. I just value my independence and living with mom at 38 is a difficult pill to swallow. I am haivng a hard time leaving my car in the driveway, but am complying so far.
**
Physically, the bruises have healed (the old ones anyway). I am unsteady at times and fall occasionally. My head and wrist still hurt a lot. My pain tolerance and frustration tolerance are quite low. My emotions are a roller coaster...usually negative. I get tired very easily and nap a lot. I can't deal with crowds...WalMart is not a good place for me. My memory is horrid - I forget conversations, have a hard time thinking of words sometimes, and my speech has slowed. I have to write things down or I forget them within minutes.
**
Add to this symptoms of PTSD - insomnia, flashbacks, hypervigilance, and panic attacks. All in all, this is not a good time for me. I am looking at being off work for 3 months and returning part time. I am terrified that I will be fired in the meantime, as we are an at-will employer and I am wtill within their probationary period.
**
Wish I had good news to report to you all. I can't drive. I can't use the stove or oven. I can't go hiking. I can't work. That's about it. I hate to be depressing, but that's reality right now...unfortunately!

I am completely stuck

2008-09-25T15:27:00.003-05:00

#1 I had to venture into the world of voc rehab, mental health specialists, ot, pt, and others for 3 days & 2 nights without my laptop. It went kaput. Is being fixed. Hoping it won't cost too much!!

#2 I have been grounded from driving. Grrrrrr! My balance and judgement are too off kilter for me to drive. Driving back from the specialists' offices proved it. What should have been a 2 hour drive took me 3 1/2 hours. It was scary. There were some close calls, but no accidents and nobody got hurt!

***sigh***

THIS SUCKS

Right now...

2008-09-21T17:55:00.002-05:00

Please keep in mind that these feelings are colored by my concussion, so may not be 100% accurate. But they are 100% the way I feel right now. I feel abandoned and I feel lonely. I feel like my friends from work that I thought would be there for me are not.
**
I feel like my other friends have their own lives and their own stressors. Then there are others who add to my stress and anxiety. Besides, everyone lives so far away.
**
My mom is supportive. She now knows most of the story. I hate putting that stress on her, but I really needed my mama. She felt betrayed that I didn't tell her from the beginnning, but accepted my apology.
**
I am living here in a small town, by myself. I am developing a relationship with my neighbors. I do not need 24/7 companionship...other than Missy Puppy Dog. I absolutely love this town and will thrive here, once I recover from all this.
**
I hate crying all the time and I hat being so upset and angry. I'm glad it's only temporary, because I am a peaceful person at heart. I keep searching for that place of peace, but just can't find it right now.

A brief thank you...

2008-09-21T11:11:00.002-05:00

A cantankerous old man (his words, definitely not mine!!!) who wishes to remain anonymous generously donated to help me go see my mama this Christmas. I appreciate his help and wanted to thank him publicly as well as personally!

Another new update

2008-09-21T11:02:00.002-05:00

I'm being sent to Billings, Montana to see a specialist. I am having many "post concussive symptoms" that are just not getting any better, so on Tuesday I will be seeing a team of specialists to see what more can be dome. What I am hearing is that they "should" naturally resolve, but that I may be off work for as much as 3 months.

Symptoms include balance problems, fatigue, vision problems, memory loss, word loss, extreme emotional lability, panic attacks, and other issues. It really sucks and I am hoping the docs can find something to help alleviate the symptoms.

In the meantime, I try to remain positive, but it is, admittedly, very difficult!

I've finally broken down and am asking for help

2008-09-18T13:00:00.002-05:00

I can't stand the thought of being without my family at Christmas. I love my mom with all my heart. And while I love LC as well, it isn't the same as "my mama." And I know he understands this. That's one of the reasons I love him so much.
*
The price of airfare at Christmas would have made the trip difficult. I may not have been able to swing it without some personal loans...those EVIL payday loans that charge waaaay too much interest. (Yes, blogging world, my credit sucks)
*
Now the soon-to-be-ex is gone (hallelujah!) But I have more bills. Not only do I have more day to day bills that I can handle on my income. But thanks to what began as a concussion that has developed into waaaay more, I have ongoing medical bills with specialists and new tests. And NO answers! *sigh*
*
Anyways, I digress. I haven't even told my mom about the whole story. I wanted to protect her from the pain. I believed that at 72 she had experienced enough and did not want to add to it. And I wouldn't have told her, but now things are worse and I don't know where they'll end up.
*
Please help me to see my mom at Christmas. I know there is no way I can afford to go without some help. And Santa told me his sleigh is full this year.... :o(
*

Don't worry, I am taking care of myself...

2008-09-16T01:26:00.002-05:00

I've been with no internet service for EVER and am using an unreliable old computer, so am not counting on the problem being solved. But needed to shoot a brief update. Some of the symptoms from my concussion have improved, but others have worsened. PTSD symptoms have increased. It has become debilitating and is scary. I'm being referred to a specialist for testing. Here is where I stant, in a huuuuge nutshell:
*
Professional Implications? I am a counselor. I can't do my job properly. I can't function properly. I may have a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) that will NEVER go away.
*
Personal Implications? I make lists or I forget things. I forget words, mid sentence. I forget the subject of a conversation. I can't sleep. I generalize and see my soon-to-be-ex everywhere. I'm continually angry, scared, suspicious, and close to tears.
*
Interpersonal Inplications: I misunderstand what others are saying, I forget conversations that I don't write down, I'm terrified of losing friends or forgetting appointments.
*
What am I doing: Seeing an awesome therapist 2 days a week & talking daily, seeing my doctor regarding medication and prescription issues, puppy attention for stress relief, cleaned the whole house out of the DH's crap-ola. got new furniture for dining and living room - will add more asap, will be selling jewelry soon for extra $$, some contact with peers wt work, music and my new massage chair. Basically I do whatever I need to relax (even if I can't sleep) sp that I can heal.
*
Sis - call me any afternoon or evening - I'm not working!! just be prepared for tears!! And NO - no retaliation - I closed that chapter and have moved onwards - THAT chapter you can help me with!!
**
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I LOVE YOU ALL

Birthday Card from my mama

2008-09-13T01:37:00.004-05:00

My mom sent me a birthday card that almost made me cry:

outside: "I've always been amazed by your ability to cope and admired your grace and wisdom when dealing with difficult issues."

inside: "You'll get through this"

Mom added "And your birthday, too!! I knew you needed this!! It says everything I would have said except I love you!"

My mom rocks!

status update

2008-09-12T06:48:00.003-05:00

I thought this would be easier. I thought my insomnia would be better and my panic attacks would decrease.

***

Nope!!

***

Now I am addding physical pain and the frustration of physical limitations to the mix. I managed to go to the store today, but it left me exhausted. While my equilibrium is better, I still find myself getting dizzy and tired quickly. It is beyond frustrating! And I am supposed to go back to work next week.

***

I am only off work until next week and am hoping the visible bruises will be better. I don't know what to say to my clients. My adults will draw their own conclusions, most of them will be correct. My kiddos are a different story. I am at a loss as to how to approach them. Many of them are already in such a fragile place and see me as a rock in the storm of their life. I do not want to make things worse for them, but do not advocate lying to children. It will be a delicate balance.

***

I miss some of my families and will be glad to get back to them, no matter how difficult the situation.

***

I still tire very easily. I am working on the house, to get the rest of my soon-to-be-ex's stuff out and the mess cleaned. But I can only work in short bursts, then have to stop and rest. Frustration!! But yet I am determined to get it done before I go back to work.

***

The other frustration: NO HIKING THIS WEEKEND!!! :o(

A light...of sorts

2008-09-10T15:13:00.003-05:00

Missy Puppy Dog and I are now the only ones living in our home now. The soon to be ex should be back to his mama's home tomorrow morning. If I were able to, I would be cleaning and reorganizing the house, to make it livable by my standards. But alas, I can't do that...or much of anything...for a few days at least.

The other night, I was "blessed" with a concussion, which makes me pretty confused sometimes and makes me stagger like a drunken solder sometimes. I've got a black eye and debatable fractured wrist. Other bruises and pains.

Yes, I saw the Dr and yes, my shrink knows too.

I have been told not to hike until my concussion is better...some stupid line about cliffs and being unsteady and falling...I don't know! ;o)

For now, I am content to relax at home with happy drugs

(Again...for all family...Mom DOES NOT know the whole story and I intend to keep it that way. Please don't tell her)

A bad day...

2008-09-09T04:45:00.007-05:00

I feel like all I am doing is whining and bitching on here. It really is NOT me, I assure you!!! If that is the impression I give to you, I apologize.

My Soon-To-Be ex left today on a bus for home. This should be cause for celebration. But I need to see my dr again.

Tonight? I can't sleep and I can't stop crying. I am in pain and I feel suddenly very, very alone. I have an awesome counselor to help with the inside wounds, and the bruises will heal. I have LC, my best friend and the man who will one day father my children...maybe more. I have friends and family.

***

But I feel hurt and alone. Anyone wanna come to Sheridan and give me a hug and let me cry on their shoulder for a while?

Thanks!

***
***

PS - More positivity coming...I have some really good hiking pics. I just haven't had the heart to deal with the pain and post too...I'm sorry!

Emotional Day Today (emotional rant)

2008-09-01T23:25:00.004-05:00

I just want to curl up into a ball and make the world go away. I don't want to eat, to go to the mountains, to see the outside world. I just want the pain and sadness to go away. These are the worst days/nights. While I have friends and family, it does little to help the pain. I know I'm not the only person who has dealt with this kind of stuff, but on days like today, I feel like I am the only person in the world who feels this way. I feel like I am a burden to my friends and that I only cause them excess worry and stress. Which makes me feel worse. I try my best to hide my feelings from most everyone, but it gets hard sometimes.

*sigh*

Does this feeling ever, EVER end?

Best wishes and lots of prayers

2008-09-01T12:37:00.002-05:00

To all of my friends and all those I don't even know in Gustav's path. I moved out of Mobile, Alabama about 4 months ago to come up here to Wyoming. My Mobile friends - Karen, Kay, Monica, Danny, Kristen, and all the families I worked with - You are all in my prayers! Stay safe!!! I miss you all, but not enough to come and say hello to you and Gustav!!

Stay dry and stay safe!

Just a quick note...

2008-08-30T12:33:00.003-05:00

After a very long week, I'm going out into the mountains again today. I know I haven't posted pics from last weekend yet, but I will...I promise! And when I get back, I'll have even more gorgeous pics to post! And a summary of my birthday yesterday, too. Like I said, it's been quite a week!

Current update...and more disclosure

2008-08-29T00:53:00.008-05:00

Have you ever had a friend whose life parallels yours way more than it should? I met someone here in town with whom I share a lot of things and have become very good friends with in a very short time. And I worry about this person.

Why do I worry? Because our lives parallel each other too much.

Things have gone dramatically downhill at home for me. I spend as much time as I can at work or in the mountains. I am continually on edge at home, hypersensitive, hyperaware of every little thing. I'm not sleeping or eating much (if at all). I'm frustrated, exhausted, and concerned. I'm nursing bruises and hurt feelings and fears. There are days when I feel like I am falling apart.

It is challenging because I am a counselor. I tell my clients one thing, but I am not practicing what I preach. When I am at work, I put on my counselor's hat and do well with my clients. I am effective with my clients, because my sole focus is on them. It is actually a relief. But that time between clients can be challenging. And outside of work is just bad. Except when I am in the mountains. I can usually find peace there.

You know, today is my birthday. But yet, I am numb. It just doesn't matter. HE is still here. I just want to feel happy, content, relaxed. I am going out with coworkers after work to celebrate, but my heart isnt really in it. I just want to feel better. I don't want to be on edge...waiting for next time.

The only thing I am waiting on is for him to sell his car so that he can get back to the midwest to his family. Only $1200 stands in the way.

*sigh* so, that's my story. To my fam...this is also something that mom doesn't know details about. At 72, there's no need for her to worry more than she absolutely has to.

My First Life Changing Event, Part 2

2008-08-26T21:29:00.005-05:00

WARNING - This post is not for the faint of heart. It contains sex, violence, and may be difficult to read. It was certainly difficult to write...

**

*

**

Catch up on Part 1 here.

Part 2
One night, I couldn't stand the isolation anymore. It was about 2am and I figured that the chances of PW being around were minimal. So I left. I was going to walk a block to the corner store and buy munchies. I was trying to figure out what to do. I was hoping my friends could just run him off and life could go back to normal...whatever that was!
**********
So, I get to the lobby, where the night watch person is, and I go outside. Then I see PW running through the halls toward me. I know I can't outrun him, so I wait. He confronts me in a rage. He is calling me names and saying that I am making up lies about him raping me. I start shouting back, and notice as his fists curl. He shouts at me that his mama didn't raise him to rape a woman, she raised him to treat women with respect. I ask him if his mama taught him to shout and curse at women the way he was shouting at me. He started to raise his left hand to slap me and I grabbed it. I shoved it and him back a half a step.
**********
I have been in more than a couple of fights in my life, both with guys and girls. I'm not a wuss. I have older brothers and I know how to fight. But PW punched me once, just once. He knocked me out cold. That one punch broke my nose, fractured my maxilla (upper jaw bone), knocked 2 teeth loose, and split my lip, requiring 7 stitches. The fall knocked me out for about 4 minutes, until EMS got there, and left me with a significant concussion.
**********
When I came to, I remembered everything. At first. By the time I got to the hospital, I was having problems. I couldn't remember the day or date or year or president or any of the other questions they ask you. I couldn't even remember how old I was. It was strange, though. I knew that I knew the answers. I just couldn't find them in my brain. It was freaky. I was there for a while, but they eventually released me.
**********
When I got back to the dorm, I was told that I needed to go see the campus police. I was not in very good condition, but went anyway. They kept me for 3 hours, interrogating me about the situation. When I explained that I had a concussion and needed to rest (I had been at the hospital all night), it just didn't matter. I had to write statements about the rape and the assault. I did, or tried to. My brain was still not working well. The police said that they were not going to press charges on the rape, because there were no witnesses. But that they would be in touch with me about the assault. They really wanted information about my friends that I was hanging out with off campus. They wanted to know their names and activities, but I didn't tell them anything. So eventually they gave up, let me go, and I wandered back to the dorm to get some rest.
**********
I had no clue what to do at that point. PW had disappeared, but I knew he could turn up at any point. I knew he still had a gun and a knife. But I was really close to finishing my degree. So I was leaning toward staying. I tried to get ahold of my off campus friends, but nobody was returning my calls. I really just wanted to rest anyway, so didn't worry about it too much.
**********
A guy that I had known since my freshman year knocked on my door. He was involved in the same sort of thing that my friends were, only he was "working" on campus. He and I were respectful toward one another, friendly, but not close. He asked if he could come in and talk to me. At first I said no. I actually said "F**k you! Hell no!!" I was scared. Of everyone. Then I looked at him and I looked in his eyes. I saw worry and concern behind his typical front. I let him in. He sat down and his front vanished. He spoke to me like an older brother. And his words saved my life. I truly believe that to this day.
**********
"Listen, I'll make this quick. P went to your crew (my off campus friends) and told them that you were at the police station and snitched on them and their business. P then came to me and my crew and told us the same d**n thing. Folks saw you walking back from the police and made their own connections. Girl, I know you better than that and I saw what he did to you. I know what he did before he beat the crap out of you too. I have a mama and two sisters and that sh** is ill. But you need to know what he is doing. He is setting you up. You need to get the f**k out of here now. Tonight.
**********
And I did. Thanks, Greg! I am convinced that Greg saved my life. I moved home with my family, and began to heal. That winter, I had my car accident and broke my neck - see my Second Life Changing Experience. I stayed away from school for a few years, until I knew that absolutely everyone I had associated with was gone. Then I went back and finished.

Pink Gorilla Suit

2008-08-26T00:31:00.002-05:00

I must state for the record that my feelings toward law enforcement have changed over the years, mostly for the good.

Law Dog, in his infamous open and unashamed manner, shares a story of "enlightenment" and unabashed hilarity at his experiences with the pink gorilla suit. You MUST read this! I promise you won't regret it.

Why am I writing about life changing experiences?

2008-08-25T22:26:00.005-05:00

Aside from entertaining the masses...the hundreds of thousands of you who faithfully read my blog, I have other reasons for writing about the things that have changed my life. By the way, I am convinced that my stat counter must be off. I know that I have hundreds of thousands of faithful followers...

But alas, I digress.

As a counselor, people assume that I am intelligent. People know that I have gone through college and have my Master's Degree. After all, it's framed on the wall of my office. I can talk about theories and their founder's. I can discuss which interventions are empirically validated and which are not. I know psychology and I know counseling. People expect this. My clients, my colleagues, my supervisors. They all know that I am proficient in this area. They see that I play chess, enjoy reading, and am pretty good at photography. This all adds to their picture of me as an intelligent being.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not debating that fact. I'm just saying that it's only half of the story. I am a survivor, on many levels. I have been through many things over the past 37 years and 360 days (I'll be 38 on Friday). The things that I have listed above make me a counselor. But the things I have been through, the things that have touched and changed my life, are what makes me a good counselor.

I don't claim to be perfect, but I seem to be pretty good at helping folks get from where they are to where they want or need to be. The first story I chose to share was fairly mild in comparison to some others I will be sharing, but it was an easy starting point. Some of the others will prove that I have not always been smart, even though I've always been fairly intelligent.

My First Life Changing Event, Part 1

2008-08-25T22:20:00.002-05:00

WARNING - This post is not for the faint of heart. It contains sex, violence, and may be difficult to read. It was certainly difficult to write...

FAMILY WARNING - Mom does not need to know the details of this post...ever!! She knows the basics and that is enough.
*

I had "talked to" this young man for a while. We were friends and both lived in dorms on campus that faced each other. We had partied together and had slept together a few times. We remained friends, talking daily and just hanging out. He was dating a young lady that needed a personal assistant due to a physical disability. I was a paid assistant for her. She and I were also friends. I was dating someone as well. He and I both had pet boa constrictors that we had snuck into the dorms. We had a lot in common and were pretty good friends. This took place in the summertime, between semesters, back in the early 90's.

**********

Physically, PW was gorgeous. He had dark skin, bright white teeth, and adorable dimples. He was always kind, funny, and affectionate. He had studied martial arts since he was a kid. He had just gotten out of the army. He was very muscular. And very.......mmmmm.......talented. If ya know what I mean!

**********

At this time in my life, I was also hanging around some folks who weren't college students. Most of them were older and were involved in.......mmmmm..........colorful activities. They were a rough group. I actually fit in well. I could be myself and have fun and party. There were guns and drugs and violence everywhere, but I knew how to avoid it. I was there just to have fun.

**********

One Friday, I had gotten paid. I worked at a retail store as well as helping the young woman who was physically disabled. I cashed my check. That night, I wanted a pizza. I only had a $100 left. When I ordered the pizza, I told them that I only had a $100 and they would not bring enough cash to give me change. I had no checking account. So, I stopped to think about who had change. PW was the closest. My other friends would have change, too, but PW lived on campus. So, I called PW. He had change and, even better, he had...party supplies, both alcohol and some good other stuff. So the plan was that I would go and cash the $100 and then we would get the pizza and party together. It sounded like an excellent plan to me!

**********

When I got to his room, PW had started the party without me. He was high and a little tipsy. He changed my $100, but then started joking around and wouldn't give me the change. We laughed and joked around, but then it became clear that he was going to be a jerk. I stood up to leave and demanded my money back. I was pissed by this point. He finally got up and handed me my money. I turned to leave and as I walked toward the door, he grabbed me. I thought he was joking.

**********

He spun me around and pushed me up against the bunk beds in his room. I had never seen that look on his face and I was scared. It was sweet, but with anger and control behind it. He tried to sweet-talk me and convince me to have sex with him, just once more, for old time's sake. He smiled and showed his dimples, but they weren't quite as cute anymore. I told him no, that I was dating someone and was faithful. Then he got angry.

**********

I was terrified. He was stronger than I was. And he had both a knife and a gun. I knew that he could end my life if he so chose. I knew that he was under the influence and that I was in very real danger. I wanted to fight. I wanted so badly to bite when I had the opportunity to inflict lifelong damage. I remember weighing the options for a moment. I remember thinking, "If he makes me..............I'm going to bite it off." But then the violence took over. I numbed out (the clinical term would be disassociated), in order to deal with what was going on. I won't go into detail about what happened (you all don't need the gory details), but it was bad.

**********

When it was over, he threw the money at me and laughed. He told me that he made a bet with his girlfriend (my "friend") that he could lure me back for a one night stand. She said no way. He laughed again and said that he knew he could do it. I just looked at him blankly and walked away.

**********

I went to one of the resident advisers and told her what had happened. She didn't know what to do. I thought about going to the police, but did not like or trust the police at that point in my life. They had never helped me before when I needed it and I had no faith that they would help this time.

**********

So I went to my friends. I was a mess, physically and emotionally. They made plans to go find him and "take care of business." I just wanted it to go away. I went back to my dorm and locked myself in my room for 5 days. I had food and stuff, but was afraid to go out. I was hoping my friends would call, but they couldn't catch up with PW.

**********

Part 2 coming soon!

Hiking with a pug

2008-08-24T00:30:00.009-05:00

Missy pupy dog and I went hiking today. I think she was convinced I was trying to walk her little legs off.

"Please don't make me walk anymore! Carry me...I'll be good..."

Missy actually did very well for her first hike. Keep in mind that Missy's favorite passtime is sleeping, followed closely by napping. She hiked (on an easy trail) for about 3 or 4 miles. Yes, I carried her for about 2 more miles. Who could say no to this face?!?!?!

I will have pictures from the hike to post tomorrow, but wanted to share Missy's thoughts with you all first. Actually, she has not had a thought since we got home. She ate her dinner and has been asleep ever since!

She and I will be hiking more often. She really did have fun. But 6 miles was just a bit too much for her puggy body to handle!

My Second Life Changing Event, Part 4

2008-08-22T01:21:00.005-05:00

Catch up on Part 1

Catch up on Part 2

Catch up on Part 3

So, the brilliant x ray techs and their supervisor came back to my room with the portable x-ray machine. X rays were taken, without the techs being allowed to kill me. It was decided that the halo was placed correctly and that the traction was at an appropriate weight. I was happy. I had pain meds...that was all I needed to be happy.

**********

I spent the first day in traction. I was told that this could be a week long process and not to count on it working. That first night, I remember thinking about the accident. When I thought about it, I realized that I should have died. Really. My calmness and rationalism on the scene aside, I should not have survived that accident. I realized that I needed to change my life. I needed to move on from the first life changing event that I was still stuck trying to deal with.

**********

So I was lying in bed. I was thinking of all the things I wanted to do with my life. I realized that I had a future ahead of me. But then I came back to reality. It might be a quadriplegic future. I started scaring myself with what-if questions. What if I had to have surgery and something goes wrong and I end up a quadriplegic and a burden to my family? What if I went through the accident only to die in surgery? I decided that there was only one thing to do. I said a prayer and put it all in God's hands.

**********

I was in traction for the first full day. The following morning, more x-rays were done...with a portable x-ray machine, even! The doctor came in with an odd look on his face. "The traction did it. It pulled all of the bone fragments back into place. The bone fragments are exactly where they need to be, but I want to make sure with another CT scan. And so they did.

**********

They took me out of traction after my first full day in the hospital. The next day I was sitting up. I got to eat real food. I got to dangle my legs off the side of the bed. I asked them when I could go home. They sent me a physical therapist that day. My mom and I described the layout of the house, that there were 12 stairs up to my room and the bathroom was downstairs. And so we began working.

**********

It took me a while to figure stuff out. Those halo's are heavy and awkward. There are 4 pointed screws in your skull connected to 4 iron rods that connect to the vest. I couldn't look down to see where I was walking. I couldn't lie down. I couldn't see where the steps were. I couldn't even bathe myself!
**********
I thank God for my mom. She helped me figure things out. Day 2 I was sitting up. Day 3 I was walking and figuring out what I needed at home to help me. Day 3 I was walking up and down stairs. It was odd, not being able to watch where I was going. Day 4 was one more set of xrays and I went home!!!!!!!!!!!!
**********

Home.......this chapter is titled Boredom, Drugs, and Humility

I made it home and up to my room with no problem. Mom had gotten tons of pillows and my daybed was pushed into the corner. I could not sleep lying down. There were 2 bars going from my halo down my neck to the back of the brace. If I laid down, my head would not touch the pillow...I wouldn't stand it. So I slept in the corner of my bed against the wall, with tons of pillows around me. I had a tv in my room now and a brand new Sega Genesis (yes, it was a long time ago!) I had my pain medication and muscle relaxers and took them faithfully. I relaxed and watched tv and played video games and read, but was quickly bored. I spent less and less time in my room as the days went on. I hung out with mom and dad. We talked. Dad and I played Yahtzee. I learned a very valuable lesson at this point in my life. It was called humility. At 23 years of age, my mommy had to give me a bath. I was not able to help much, either. God bless the mothers out there!!! I adore my mom and am grateful for everything she has done for me!

**********

I had the halo for about 6 months. Then I had a soft collar that I wore off and on for a very long time. The halo atrophied my neck muscles. I had more neck pain when the halo was taken off than I did when I first came home. The weight of my head on my neck was terribly painful. It took a lot of time to rebuild my neck muscles.

**********

Now?? I'm fine. I have one side effect from the accident: I have migraines. I take meds for them and it works well enough. Migraines are certainly better than the other possibilities I was facing!!

My Second Life Changing Event, Part 3

2008-08-20T01:28:00.003-05:00

So, the doctor tells me in no uncertain terms that my neck was broken. I knew this, but nobody else seemed to realize it. He told me that they were going to have to operate. And that I was looking at a long recovery. That part concerned me.

**********

As you may have figured out, this was a while ago. I was 23 years old and recovering from PTSD from my first life changing experience (I am working on the courage to blog about that one). I was living back at home with mom and dad due to that same incident, but had my whole life ahead of me. I realized quickly just what a C2 burst fracture meant. It is commonly called a hangman's fracture. For those of you without medical knowledge, the C2 vertebra surrounds the brain stem. The brain stem is responsible for some of the minor body functions of the human body. It controls things like blood pressure, breathing, heart rate, and sleeping. Nothing major...really...Unfortunately (or fortunately), I had enough medical knowledge left over from anatomy class to know how lucky I was. I was scared. But I was a pretty smart kid with a huge survival instinct and knew when I needed to put fear aside and be rational. I also had a dad who I adored and who worried about me. He was 72 years old and I knew that I needed to be strong for him.

**********

The doctor consulted with an orthopaedic specialist and came back into the room. He explained what he saw on the x ray and the CT scan. He said that the muscles and tendons were still attached to the vertebra, which literally exploded into many pieces when the car hit me. None of these pieces had damaged either the brain stem or the spinal cord. But he was concerned about the placement of one shard, which was along side the brain stem. He talked about the dangers of swelling and pressure and ANY movement whatsoever. He then proceeded to tell me that there was a VERY small chance traction could pull the pieces back together. He was not confident and stated that he would give it about a 3 to 5 % chance of success. I told him that I would like to try it and see. He told me that he was willing to try it for 24 hours and then re-evaluate, but if there was not a dramatically positive change, we would have to revisit the surgical plan. I agreed.

**********

Then, for the first time in HOURS, I was allowed to sit up. The neck brace was still on and there was a doctor and 2 very well built, completely mouth watering male nurses. At least I think they were nurses...techs...someone!! I was still in shock I think, was in a bit of a fog from the pain meds, but was quite lucid and still logical enough to discuss treatment options with the doctor. I was excited to be able to sit up. Everyone was very very careful and kept warning me not to move my neck, reminding me of the shard that was resting against my brain stem (as if I had forgotten!), reminding me of the sensations I needed to watch out for (racing heart rate, feeling short of breath or dizzy).

**********

In my excitement over being off the backboard after hours and being able to sit up and watching these two cute guys who suddenly appeared in the room, I had forgotten what was coming next. I had seen a young man in high school who had a halo. I knew what it looked like (weird) and new basically what it entailed. Well, guess what? I was SOOO not prepared to have 4 screws screwed into my skull!! I quickly realized what the 2 nurses/techs were there for. Those cute SOB's had the job of screwing those screws into my skull. The pain? INTENSE!! There were 2 of them working so they could finish as quickly as possible. (And to restrain me if they had to so I couldn't hurt myself.) I realize that now. I asked them to stop for a moment so I could catch my breath, but they didn't. It felt like my head was in a vise and being tightened. The absence of control terrified me (they didn't stop when I asked them to -- see PTSD above). I clenched my eyes closed and held my breath through the whole thing. The 2 nurses/techs? No longer adorable or mouth-watering...it's amazing how one's view of someone can change simply by them screwing some big screws into your skull!

**********

They then transferred me to my room. I could finally be with my mom and dad. It was about 10:00 at night I think, a good 12 hours after the accident. I was given more pain meds and muscle relaxers put into traction. My doctor called radiology. They took their time showing up and he went to see another patient. Fortunately my mother was there. While I remember the event clearly, I was not speaking well at that time. The shock was wearing off and I was cold and was shivering, teeth chattering. The pain meds had me feeling spacy and somewhat comfortable. I was in some private distress from the whole halo experience, which made me shut down somewhat emotionally.

**********

So, radiology shows up. Two young techs are talking, trying to figure out how to do an x-ray of me while I am in traction. My mom is just sitting there, listening politely. At first. Then these two techs decide that they would simply take me out of traction, put me in a wheelchair, and just take me to x-ray!! I remember the instant thought of "these stupid techs are going to kill me." Then my mom spoke up. She wasn't polite. She sent them to the charge nurse with their idea. She kicked them out of the room and then went to the nurses station and had the doctor paged. Apparantly, they spoke to the charge nurse, who called their supervisor. Together the four of them had a discussion about the pros and cons of their idea. Then the techs were reminded that they had a portable x-ray machine that they could use... (DUH!)

**********

(yep, part 4 is coming)

I need a "Bang Head Here!" sign

2008-08-15T23:01:00.005-05:00

So it appears that Will has decided to quit his job.

In all fairness (maybe too much), it is difficult working in a group home, caring for 6 developmentally disabled total care adult residents by yourself throughout the night while doing housework and laundry. Especially when Will has his own health issues. He apparently pulled a groin muscle at work and has called in sick for the rest of this week. Monday he is going to talk to HR and see if they have a more appropriate job for him. If not, he is going to quit.

He told me this today. He wanted to sit down and discuss (rediscuss?? clarify??) my plans at this point. How many times must I explain? So...I agree. I come home from work and he asks me to go get some groceries and he'll make dinner. I get groceries and he's asleep. And asleep into the night. So I write it off. I make a PB&J for dinner and watch tv.

I am soooo frustrated!! His car is paid off and now he can't work...funny how that worked out! There is a part of me that just wants to curl up in a ball in my room and shut out the world. I am thinking that means I NEED to go hiking again tomorrow...and maybe Sunday too.

At this point, here is the bottom line: if he isn't out of here by the time our lease is up (Oct 1), I am moving out. Anyone got a spare bedroom?!?

And the other bottom line: I am sick of walking on eggshells and dealing with his anger!

AARRRGGGHHH!!! I need to go hiking!

My Second Life Changing Event, part 2

2008-08-13T22:55:00.000-05:00

(More hiking planned for this weekend, but here's another chapter in my life changing event)

I had a Ford Escort...the ones with the automatic seat belts. Sometimes I wore the lap belt, too. Sometimes I didn't. It wouldn't have mattered that day. The automatic seat belt wasn't adjustable and it lay across my neck and upper torso. The seatbelt broke my neck.

***********

The car finally stopped spinning. I was in the ditch across the street and down the road a bit. My car was upright and I was still alive. By the time the car stopped spinning, I was calm. I knew immediately that my neck was broken. I don't know how I knew, but I knew. I knew that I needed to sit absolutly still and wait for help. I sat bolt upright in the seat. I felt no pain...had too much adrenaline to feel any pain. I sat and realized that my car was smoking and that I smelled gas. I stayed still and turned the key off. I waited for help.

***********

I realized, almost with a sort of detachment, that my head was bleeding. I saw the man who lived in the corner house come running with a first aid kit. He told me that the police and ambulance were on the way. He wanted to put pressure on the cut on my face, but I was afraid to let him touch me. I told him that I believed my neck was broken and that he could injure it more by putting pressure on the cut. I asked him to wait for the paramedics and asked him to call my parents. He did.

***********

The police arrived at the scene quickly. I explained what had happened and one of the officers crawled into the car, in the crumpled backseat. He stabilized my neck by holding it against the headrest. That was a relief for me, because the adrenaline was starting to wear off and the pain was setting in. My father arrived soon after that. He was understandablu upset and here was a lot of chaos. I totally lied and assured my dad that I was fine and that they were only holding my head as a precaution, to make sure I didn't hurt my neck in the accident. I asked him to go pick up my mom and meet me at the hospital. He agreed and the ambulance arrived soon after my dad left.

***********

The neck stabilizer/collar that they put on me was the wrong size. It was too small and would not fasten appropriately. But I was in a lot of pain, so they chose to leave it on and stabilize me on the backbord and get me to the hospital as soon as they could. Except that I was in pain. And I was tired. Nobody had given me anything for pain and didn't until waaay after I was at the hospital. Every single bump hurt like hell. I cussed them out and told them that they needed to slow down and drive more carefully. I told them that if they couldn't do anything about my pain, they damn sure needed to not make it worse!

***********

When we arrived at the hospital, it was busy. It was always busy. There were no rooms available. I had to wait on the stretcher, on the backboard, with the too small collar, in pain, with no pain meds...in the hallway. I thanked God that I wasn't actually dying at the moment, but prayed that they would get to me soon. I remember crying in that hallway. My parents hadn't gotten there yet and I hurt really bad and nobody would pay attention to me.

***********

I got to the hospital by 10:15 or 10:20 at the latest. I had x-rays and a CT Scan done. After the X-rays, people started listening to me. I was given pain meds and began to have a little bit of pain relief as the doctor told me that I had broken my neck. I told him that I knew that, but was hoping I didn't have to wear a halo. The doctor smiled, but said that I would have to wear one, even though they do look wierd. They did the CT Scan to see more details of my injury. This time, the doctor looked more serious when he came back in. Much more serious.

***********

"You have a C2 burst fracture," he explained. "When the seat belt caught your neck, the vertabra exploded. You are fortunate in that none of the fragments has penetrated your spinal cord. You will most likely have to have surgery to repair the vertabra and should expect a long recovery here in the hospital. You are lucky to be alive."

(To be continued)

Hiking

2008-08-11T01:03:00.011-05:00

While I do have a Part II to my Life changing story, I absolutely must digress to tell you about my weekend! I took all of Saturday and went hiking in the Big Horn Mountains. I had a crappy week at home and at work and decided that I needed to get away. So I drove my AWD Saturn Vue up the dirt road into the mountains, by myself, and found the ranger's station. I met the local park ranger ad hung out and chatted with him for a bit, since he wasn't having a busy day. We talked about trails and Wyoming scenery and where to go to escape the noise and chaos of motorcycles and ATV's. I learned that there are certain trails that they are not allowed on. Those were the trails that I chose. I let the ranger know that I was out exploring alone today, but that I was sticking to posted trails and leaving my car at the head of the trails. (gotta be careful, especially if you don't have anyone to go hiking with!)

I had an awesome, but exhausting day. I hiked up and down hills, mountains, forests, and grasslands.

I trekked over rocks, trees, and streams. Once on the trail and away from the road, I saw no one and heard only the sounds of grasshoppers, birds, and other woorland critters. I found Peace, Quiet, and Serenity.

At the end of one of the trails, this was my reward. It was absolutely breathtaking. The trail to this beauty was pretty easy...it was just about all downhill. Parts of it were pretty steep, though. It didn't occur to me until I reached the end, though, that I would have to go back...

LOL It took a bit longer to get back, but it was worth it. I was pleasantly surprised at my strength and stamina. You see, it was only a handful of years ago that I weighed over 300 lbs and couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without gasping. But that's a story for another day. I hiked about a third of the way up this gorgeous formation before it became too steep and I decided to head back.

The air was warm and there was a gentle breeze. I reluctantly left the beauty at the end of the trail and began my walk back to the car. I had plenty of time, so was not overly concerned.

I found the trail again and listened to the sounds of the forest. I noticed something different, but couldn't put my finger on what it was. I had my camera out and ready just in case, though. I quietly crested a hill and was almost to the forest when I saw him. His head was down and he was quietly munching grass. A huge elk, not more than 50 feet away from me. I froze in my track, then slowly brought the camera up to my face. The motion caught his attention and his majestic head rose. I was breathless as I took his picture. Unfortunately, the flash on the camera startled him and he bolted. I heard him run into the forest, out of sight.

But I did get this:

I LOVE Wyoming! :o)

My second life changing event.

2008-08-06T23:28:00.008-05:00

I was tired - really, really tired. I had just finished working a double shift. I had gone into work at 3pm and worked until 7am. I was working in a group home, taking care of developmentally disabled adults. I loved my job and enjoyed caring for the 6 residents that lived in the home. I had been working with developmentally disabled and physically handicapped adults for a few years, had been well trained, and was dedicated to providing quality care for them. My relief didn't show up that morning, so I ended up working until about 10am, until someone could relieve me so that I could go home and sleep.

***********

I was tired. I was not concerned about driving home, though. I only lived about 5 miles away from the group home. It was daylight, the roads were clear, and the sky was bright blue. I drank another can of Mountain Dew, confident that the caffeine would be enough to get me home. I bid everyone good afternoon/goodnight (depending on their perspective) and hopped in my car.

***********

I was a good driver. I had driven in rain, snow, and ice storms when I had to. I had never driven drunk. I was just tired and only had a little way to go home. So I got in the car and left. I drove home the same way I did every single day I worked. I was careful, just like always.

***********

Then I got to the corner of Knapp and Grand River. I had a stop sign and stopped. I yawned and stretched. There was no traffic, so I wasn't worried about holding anyone up. To my left, there is a big hill. I looked and there was nothing coming. I looked to the right and nothing was coming from that direction, either. So I stepped on the gas.

***********

Time slowed to a crawl as I heard the crash. I heard the metal directly behind my driver's door shriek as it gave way. I heard my neck snap and knew in that moment that I was going to die. I heard someone scream, a classic horror-movie scream. It took a moment before I realized it was me. I saw the world spinning around me as the car spun in circles and I closed my eyes. I prayed that it would all be over quickly.

(To be continued)

Christian the lion

2008-08-01T01:25:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adYbFQFXG0U&feature=related

This is the amazing story of a lion who was raised as a pet, reintroduced to the wild, and revisited by his human friends. It's amazing, heartwarming, and maybe even tearjerking...

And, even though it's on YouTube, it's true. I did a bit of research. The story checks out.

(Here's my favorite debunking site: http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/christian.asp )

This week (what's the difference between whining and venting?)

2008-07-31T23:20:00.003-05:00

This has been the most trying week I have had in a long time. When I found out about my client's accident and hospitalization on Monday, I was sad. I was able to share some of my pain and concern with you, my blogging friends. I was able to talk with LC, who has become a very supportive man in my life.

My week has continued from there. Insomnia and a visit to the gyno to discuss fertility issues complicated my week. During a staff meeting, which is supposed to be supportive and helpful in dealing with challenging clients and families, I felt like I was attacked regarding my theoretical orientation and my approach to dealing with children and families. My approach is very different than most of my peers, and many of them do not understand my approach. I am more than willing to discuss this and educate my peers on what I do, how it works, statistics, validity, etc. But I am angry that I was ganged up on in a staff meeting. My direct supervisor wasn''t present. One of the other supervisors came to my defense. I defended myself as well. But it is the principle. I shouldn't have had to.

My "husband," whom I am divorcing, has seen my pain this week and chosen to ignore it. Whatever. I should expect nothing more at this point. But it is still painful for me to know that the man I married and still live with and live with as a friend/roommate can see that I am upset or in pain and chooses to ignore it.

I'm glad that I have LC. I have been able to lean on him. He keeps telling me that it's ok, that he has broad shoulders...I just wish he wasn't so far away. But, if it is meant to be, we will be together and will work out the distance issue.

So Far, So good...

2008-07-31T23:15:00.002-05:00

The sweet little girl is holding her own. She is still in the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) with severe injuries and is "critical but stable." The nursing staff is noting small some signs of improvement. But she is definitely not out of the woods yet. Her family is exhausted, but hanging in there. They are staying at the Ronald McDonald House.

Thank you for your prayers. Please keep them up.

Please pray for her...

2008-07-28T15:18:00.002-05:00

Please do me a favor

Keep a little girl in your prayers today, tonight, and in the future. One of my clients, an adorable little 5-year-old kiddo, was hit by a car yesterday. This is a special child, born with a number of challenges…some of which I cannot say because I am afraid of breaking confidentiality. This sweet child has developmental delays that have prevented her from being aware of danger, and she slipped out of mom’s grasp at the wrong time and dodged in front of a speeding car.

She has multiple internal injuries, a closed head injury, and several broken bones. She and her family would benefit from the good wishes and prayers you all could send her way.

Thank you…

Randumb thoughts

2008-07-27T00:45:00.003-05:00

My 20 year class reunion is coming up in September - it makes me feel really really old. I absolutely hated high school, yet am pondering going to my reunion. I am kinda curious to see where my classmates have ended up.

I really, really miss (some of) my family!!!! You know who you are... CCC clan, Becky, Cara, Dan, and others, too.

I have been feeling sooo much more energetic since I've gotten my anemia almost under control. And taking my vitamins and getting my B-12 shots helps too. I'm back losing weight and pants sizes, too (yay!)

I have started to work on getting pregnant. (the non-enjoyable, medical route) To my fam who might read this: DON'T tell mom! I wanna surprise her! :o)

I've had two people tell me that there are no cockroaches in Wyoming, because of the long and cold winters. I find that hard to believe, after living in Michigan and seeing some very roach infested homes. Now I'm sure there aren't any of the big, flying roaches that live in Alabama and live in the ground as well as in homes.

I like my new car (Saturn Vue) and am kind of excited to see how the all wheel drive will help out this winter.

Other than that, I am NOT excited that summer will be leaving and winter will be arriving.

I'm pretty excited about the future, even though I am continually frustrated with the present. It's the whole marriage ending thing. I want it done and over with so I can move on with my life.

My internet connection keeps acting funky, but I think it's my computer. I'm thinking I may need to have it looked at and should back up data soon.

LC is always on my mind. I am scared that we may be destined to be together. I mean, like, for forever. We've known each other and been friends for 22 years and have dated off and on during that time...after I was legal age and before I was married. We talk as much as possible and he wants to be a part of my getting pregnant and wants to be the father of my children.

So much on my mind. My brain hurts. I'm going to bed now...

A working theory on structure

2008-07-24T21:41:00.005-05:00

I feel as though I am working on a lifetime graduate thesis or something. The longer I work with "severely emotionally disturbed" (SED) children, the more my thoughts grow and develop regarding the focus of treatment and what best serves the needs of the child.

MY PAST

For the past 3 years, I was grounded in a world where "Rules, Rewards, Consequences, and Structure" are the full focus for SED children. There is only a present focus, for the only need is for compliance in the home, school, and community environment. When and if children refocus on past events, they are to be redirected back to the present. Parents learn to implement structure with children and remain present focused.

THEN

One of the reasons I left that job is because I saw that children had experienced traumas in their past and that these traumas weren't being addressed. Behaviors were being addressed in the present, but because past traumas were not addressed, I was afraid for these children's futures.

NOW

I am now in a position to meet with different SED children and their families and some foster families and to develop my OWN theories. I have seen children from a number of walks of life with a huge number of issues. Some have later brought tears to my eyes...especially one, but that is a story for another post. So, I am forming my own theories from my own experiences, my clients' experiences, my education, my peers' sharings, and my own way of weaving things together.

A quick note about me. I am a "why" person. This is true of me generally, but especially so with my clients. I see a behavior or hear a comment and immediately want to know why. This is typically very effective, because many, many people STOP with a behavior.

EXAMPLE

A child has a behavior (Johnny refuses to get up in the morning to go to school). Mom stops there and gives punishments (yells, screams, threatens, grounds him, etc). I ask why and after a session with mom and Johnny find out that Johnny is being bullied by another child and doesn't know how to deal with it. Had we stopped with the behavior, we never would have addressed the problem.

HYPOTHESIS

Behaviors are not problems. Behaviors are symptoms of problems. This does not mean that behaviors do not need consequences and families do not need structure, but the real problem needs to be identified and addressed.

SED CHILDREN

Because of the trauma(s) they have experienced, many have attachment, trust, and touch issues. These make consequences and structure difficult and challenging, but still necessary. The more important focus for these children just might be on learning to attach and trust and touch.

OVERALL & MY ROLE

Nothing is written in stone and there is no guarantee in life. There is no cookie-cutter fix for a broken child. I don't have all the answers and am the first to admit it. Nobody else does, either, although many are way too confident that they do. But I care and I work to add tools to my toolbox to work with kids and families so that I can do my best to give them what they need to get them back on the right path...their path.

Favorite things meme

2008-07-23T22:16:00.003-05:00

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I was named after my dad. Everyone knew him by his middle name and most didn't even know his first name. I was named after that first name.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Last time I shed a tear was about half an hour ago when I read this blog by Boobs, Injuries, and Dr Pepper: http://boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/2008/07/quick-hello.html Last time I cried uncontrollably was when I drove home after my dad died.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not really. It's legible and neat enough, but nothing really impressive.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Roast beef

DO YOU HAVE KIDS? I have 2 adult children from my husband's previous marriage and 3 grandchildren from one of them. Unfortunately, the children do not have a relationship with their father, so I have no contact with my grandchildren...except for that year when we took the grandkids in and cared for them. I miss them deeply and hope one day to reestablish contact. As for my own kids, none...yet. And I'm almost positive there's none in the oven...I think...

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes, I'm a good listener, caring, and trustworthy. I'm not always good at keeping in touch, though.

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? who, me? never!! LOL

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope, no tonsils, no gallbladder, and only about 5% of my stomach.

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yep, but would rather sky dive!!

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? too much sugar. Sometimes I'll have a handful of cheerios, but all the good cereals have too much sugar. Before gastric bypass it would've been golden grahams.

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? never - sorry, mom!

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Emotionally, Yes. Physically, not as strong as I used to be. I'm working on that though.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Before gastric bypass, it was vanilla with caramel swirls and/or topping. Now, I can occasionally have a sugar free ice cream sandwich.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their attitude.

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? That I am not patient with myself. I have a virtually unending supply of patience for those I work with, but not myself.

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My dad. Every. Single. Day. I would give most anything for one more day with him.

WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? gray cotton yoga pants, no socks or shoes

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? leftover meatloaf

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Pink Floyd's The Wall (background noise)

IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Yellow

FAVORITE SMELLS? Fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, freshly mowed grass, the ocean

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My mom

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? MMA (mixed martial arts)

HAIR COLOR[S]? dark blonde

EYE COLOR? blue

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? nope, glasses cuz I rub my eyes too much

FAVORITE FOOD? steak, medium rare

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary Movies - I'm not a fan of chick flicks

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? "Mama Mia." I went with a friend, and it was her choice, not mine! I would have gone to see "Dark Knight."

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? an old gray teeshirt from my last job

SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer!!

HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs! Although those knee shaking, breath taking, passionate kisses that Epijunky was talking about are awesome, too. It's just been too long since I've had one.

FAVORITE DESSERT? Fresh fruit - Fresh sweet strawberries, watermelon, blueberries, etc. The kind you don't need to add sugar or anything else to.

MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I'm not tagging anyone and I'm still not sure anyone reads my blog, so I doubt anyone will respond.

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

for fun: "Holding Wonder" an old (1971) fantasy about children who are aliens

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't have a mousepad, I have a laptop.

WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? I didn't watch tv last night. I just turned on some music and went to bed.

FAVORITE SOUND[S]? The ocean against the shore, thunderstorms

ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? it's a toss up, but I think I'd have to go with the Rolling Stones

WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Europe...Germany, I think

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? empathy and a natural ability to help people calm down when they are upset or angry

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Butterworth Hospital in Grand Rapids, Michigan

tired but still thinking too much...

2008-07-22T23:45:00.003-05:00

I have worked a long day today...my brain be mush...I write later. But I leave you with one thought that be in me brain...

if a child acts inappropriately (misbehaves), is it not likely that this is a symptom of an underlying problem? Now keep in mind that the children I work with are labeled as "emotionally disturbed" and have been through traumas in their short lives. Now, their (mis)behaviors are a result of their lives thus far. It seems that the focus needs to be less on the (mis)behaviors themselves and on the underlying problem instead. It seems that the behaviors are a symptom, not the problem.

I am beginning to look at things a new way...

and will continue to look at them tomorrow, for I am done looking at them tonight!!!

Goodnight, internet world. Missy puppy dog and I are going to bed early, while the thunderstorms are rumbling through!!

Happiness

2008-07-16T23:11:00.002-05:00

I have to admit that no matter how pissed off I am at the rest of the world, it helps to come home to this little cutie. Blogging world, meet Missy, my adorable 6 year old pug. Even at 6, she is still 100% adorable puppy (maybe because she is so small compared to most pugs at only 19 lbs).

One of those days...

2008-07-16T22:27:00.002-05:00

I am just pissed off at the world today. Most of my clients cancelled their sessions. The weather is just too gorgeous here...people want to be off hiking, horseback riding, swimming, and generally living their lives. This has no impact on my pay or anything yet (I have a 6 month grace period), but is still annoying.

My own frailties and shortcomings anger me. I feel that I should be able to deal with the crap going on. Usually I can, but there are some days that are harder than others. My best friend makes an offhand comment about my picture on facebook and it bothers me MUCH MUCH more than it should. My husband remains positive and upbeat about moving on with his life and continuing without me. I'm glad, but damn it!! He should be hurting too!!! His attitude is "Whatever...this is your choice."

Over the past 8 years, I have been the breadwinner, working full time while he usually worked part time. I paid all the bills. We cared for his grandkids, with me doing much of the caring. He convinced me to return them and they took off with their mom. She wanted nothing to do with her dad. I want so badly to know how they are doing, to know that they are okay. I love them dearly. Over the past 8 years, there have een good times. We took vacations and had some fun. We played together and enjoyed and relaxed. We pulled together at times during the difficult times as well. But mostly this was done in more of a friend-type relationship. We didn't sleep together at his choice, he seldom would cuddle even when I asked him to. Even now, he is staying here until he has a vehicle (done) that is paid for (early August), then will save and find an apartment. I am not the type of person to throw someone out into the streets. I hear from my friends that I am too nice and he does not deserve it.

Yeah, I am angry right now. One problem is that I don't have an outlet. I have to be calm and present for my clients for 8-9 hours a day to help them...I can do that. Then I have to be calm and quiet to keep peace at home...that's more difficult. But the reward of keeping peace is good right now. But I feel like I am going to explode...any suggestions??

Something today that made me sad (a difficult post)

2008-07-15T21:21:00.004-05:00

I am typically a very strong person. As a counselor, I am confident in my skills and my ability to help others, to evaluate, to give them what they need. I work well with my clients. I work well with my peers, supervisors, and other disciplines within the community. I am a strong advocate, and can typically get others to hear my views (even when they don't want to). This is my professional hat. I like it and wear it very well.

I find myself struggling with my personal hat. I am having some challenges with my own emotional mental health, especially my self-confidence. Now, let me explain. I am not depressed and am not suffering from any other mental illness. I am getting a divorce and this is a natural reaction to years of not receiving enough or (at times)any positive attention.

My husband and I have not slept in the same bed for about 5 years. We have not had intimate contact in almost a year. We go days without saying more than 10 words and I can't remember the last time he touched me of his own free will.

Yes, we live in the same house. I live in the bedroom and he in the living room. He cooks most of the time and does dishes. We both clean. We do fine as roommates. We now have separate vehicles and separate accounts and are both working full time.

<> but...

It makes me feel sad and it makes me feel ugly and undeserving of more, even when I know that's not true. I have others who are interested in me, but there is still that little voice that says that I am not worth it. I know I am being overly sensitive right now and it sucks.

A first...

2008-07-13T13:24:00.003-05:00

I went to my first rodeo this weekend. The rodeo was 3 days of fun roping, bucking, and wrestling. I was kinda clueless at first, but caught on to the events pretty quickly (most of them aren't too complicated, ya know!) I had heard of most of them before and even seen them on tv once or twice...except one.

Indian relay races. They are very popular and carry some high prize money, from what I hear. Let me try to explain...(If I mess this up, I apologize, but it was rather confusing) A number of teams of Native Americans from nearby (or not so nearby) tribes [teams consisting of 3 horses, a rider, a catcher, and some other people] come into the arena. The rider rides the horse bareback with a bridle around the track about which I am guessing is aout a mile, then changes horses. He does this three times and the one who comes in first wins. Wins like $15,000.

I saw bareback bronc riding, saddle bronc riding, steer wrestling, steer roping, team steer roping (although if one person can do it in one event, why have a separate event where two people have to do it...are those people worse??), barrel racing, bull riding...and I may have forgotten something. Hey, it was my first time!

But it was pretty cool. And lots of fun.

And one of the clowns...he had his own special act so he could showcase his own special talent. This man had done the unthinkable. He had tamed and trained one of the world's deadliest creatures.

He had a trained

chigger!

It was amazing!

A Bitta Ketchup Time (Where in the World have I been?)

2008-07-10T22:38:00.002-05:00

Ok, true story time...

I live in a relatively small town in Wyoming...other than this weekend. It's Rodeo Weekend, so everybody and their mamma and cousin are in town for the festivities. But, I digress...June 26,

On Thursday June 16, I was staying late at work. I was finishing up paperwork so that I could take off Friday and take a trip to visit my mom about 1200 miles away in Missouri. It had been planned for weeks. I was taking my car, my dog, and of course my clothes and stuff. (notice I did not take the DH) The plan was to drive there and trade my 04 Saturn Ion in on a Jeep Pioneer when I got to mom's house. Already had it ALL planned!!! So, I went out to my car at about 7pm to go home and finish packing so that I could leave bright and early in the morning...and...guess what!?! The car wouldn't start. Wouldn't even turn over...power worked, so it didn't need a jump...but just would not start.

So I relented. I called the DH. He came up, looked at it and tried to figure it out... I called the insurance company and explained to them that it was now 7:30 and no dealerships were open to take the car to and there were no Saturn dealerships nearby. In fact, the closest Saturn dealership is 350 miles away in Cheyenne. We decided to have it towed to the GM dealership, since Saturn is a branch of GM. I figured that since this is such a small town, they could look at it and have me on my way the next day.

The tow truck driver was kinda scary. I was sort of glad that the DH was along when he dropped us off at the house.

Bright and early the next morning, I called and talked with the GM dealership. They assured me that they would be more than happy to look at my car...a WEEK from THEN!!! I politely declined and called the Saturn dealership. They could bet me in quicker, but told me about their 0% financing deal and I realized I would be just as smart to buy a new Saturn here and go to mom's from Cheyenne.

So I called my insurance company back and fought with them to get them to cover the tow to Cheyenne. Otherwise it would have cost $3 a mile...for 350 miles! It finally worked. I called Saturn and had the credit and everything preapproved and ready to go. Then all I had to do is wait for the tow truck driver to pick me up...and my dog and my clothes. (But still not the DH)

So I waited and I waited and I waited.

And waited.

Then he got there. It was a young kid. And the above mentioned scary tow truck driver.

I had horror movie flashbacks all the way to Cheyenne.

Because I was so late, Saturn was closed. But they made hotel arrangements and put me up in a hotel for the night. The sales manager guy knew that I was travelling by myself at night and was kinda freaked out, so he called me to check on me...a lot! After the dealership closed, he gave me his cellphone number and kept calling to check on me and had me call him when I got settled at the hotel.

Saturn is good people!

So, I got my VUE and went on to my mom's for a visit. It was awesome!!! With everything going on, I needed some momma time! Yes, I'm almost 38, but we all need our momma's sometimes!!

And my mom is awesome! As I have grown older, she and I are as much friends as mother/daughter.

A Bitta Ketchup Time (Marriage)

2008-07-10T22:28:00.002-05:00

Ok, here's the scoop:

Marriage is simply not my bag...at least not this one, but I am thinking it never will be. I was phenominally happy being single and honestly missed it soon after getting married. I enjoyed the freedom and the ability to live in a clean, light home, full of peace and tranquility. I was happy with having a strong peer support system, but that system was lost when I got married.

I currently am living with a roommate that I am married to. And that is fine for now, until we complete arrangements. I will remain in the house and I have a new car (08 Saturn VUE - it ROCKS!!) and am still planning on having a child. I expect to be living in the house by myself by fall.

There is honestly no animosity towards my DH. We just don't work well as a married couple. I care about him and wish him well and we are working together to get him established here and on his feet so we can comfortably go our separate ways. It is kind of strange, I guess. But hey! I NEVER claimed to be normal!!

Ok, I need to know something...

2008-06-11T20:34:00.002-05:00

Is this a waste of time? Is anybody out there? Is anybody reading and does anybody care what I have to say??

Now, I must admit that it has been a pretty difficult week lately and my emotional state has an impact on this post. But I want to know if others want me to continue.

Upcoming, possible posts include my ending relationship, my awesome job, health issues (was in the hospital a couple weeks ago), baby planning, and my continuing fairy tale story.

But, if no one really wants me to continue, I will write it off as a loss and continue writing just for me.

It's been a difficult day...

2008-06-06T02:41:00.003-05:00

It was one of those days. It was cold and rainy (50's in June...wierd!) and my clients seemed to be more intense than usual. Then I came home.

Guess since it's almost 2am, it is technically a new day.

TGIF and all that jazz........

The Intensity Some Kids Feel

2008-06-04T22:29:00.004-05:00

I feel badly some days, after seeing some clients. I once saw a beautiful child with a fantastic personality and great insight and intellect who had been through horriffic experiences. This child told me "I do not ever want to be adopted because I never want to open myself up to that much hurt again." This child sabotages every single placement, no matter how loving, structured, or restrictive. All out of fear. Fear of someone loving him/her and fear of him/her loving someone else...because love = pain & loss

Once in a while there are children that I want to bring home with me and keep forever.

(please note that because I live in such a small town, I feel the need not to disclose time frames or even genders of children I see. I hope it does not detract from your experience.)

A Fairy Tale II

2008-06-04T22:08:00.003-05:00

As the story unfolded, I learned why this young woman had such problems relating to those her own age. As a youngster, she was seldom around children her own age. While her home life had been very good, devoid of any abuse or neglect and full of positve parenting, it had been lacking in socialization. She grew up with older siblings who played school, which advanced an early education and parents who nurtured her curious nature, which advanced her intellectual development (neither of which was a bad thing). Once school rolled around, though, she was already different. And we all know how children EMBRACE those who are different!!! (Not!) So from schoolage on, she was a bit more advanced intelectually and rationally than other children, but lacking socially. She saw the cruelty of her peers and grew to be independent and self reliant. As a young woman, she has become distustful and withdrawn. She does not believe in fairy tales and feels that she will not have a happily ever after.

(to be continued)

A fairy tale

2008-05-27T19:54:00.005-05:00

Once upon a time, there was a young woman, just blossoming into womanhood. This young woman was languishing in one of those awkward times of life when the search for identity meets the loss of childhood. She was in her middle teens and, like all teens, thought she knew everything. This was problematic, though. Because of the little bit of the "real world" she had experienced, she had grown dismayed and withdrawn. She saw the darkness that could live in the real world and had not seen much of the tenderness. Because this young woman was intelligent and mature beyond her years, she found it difficult to relate to adolescents her own age. She called them "immature" and "childish." This adolescent had no desire to go to the prom or to football games or to participate in school activities, because she could not fit in. It is not that she did not desire acceptance and a peer group to belong to. She wanted to fit in somewhere, but did not know where. No clique's suited her, no high school activities interested her. Boys were too immature and only wanted one thing.

As this young woman with an old soul began speaking with me, the fairy tale began to come to life.

(to be continued)

Some thoughts on graduate school

2008-05-26T20:40:00.002-05:00

Mom told me frequently that I was a perpetual college student. It took me longer than the "traditional time" to get both my batchelors degree in psychology and my master's in counseling psychology. Mom used to laugh that I would be on social security before I finished my schooling...which may not be all that far off, since I am looking at getting my doctorate degree now. Just looking, but still...

Amy wants to hear that school is worth it. For me, right now, it is more than worth it! I absolutely LOVE my job and would not trade it for the world. Without a master's degree in counseling, I would be stuck in Alabama and would be hating my job and my life.

School is a means to an end. Sometimes it is fun and there is knowledge to be had, but mostly it is just a stepping stone to get to where you want to be in life. I guarantee you that your counseling SKILLZ, your RAPPORT with families, and your ABILITY to help others succeed comes from experience more than your degree.

Right now, I owe more in student loans than I can pay. My monthly payments are impossibly high and so the government is garnishing my pay. The amount that they are garnishing is a fraction of what I would have to pay in monthly payments. For me, that is the worst part of the school process. I am stuck and my credit is screwed for foever. But there is nothing I can do. But even given that...YES, AMY! It is worth it!!! I am living in gorgeous Sheridan, Wyoming (although I reserve the right to whine about it this winter), I am utilizing counseling skills on a daily basis to help children, adolescents, adults, and families. I am working for a non-profit organization that really cares for its clients as well as its employees.

One last, parting thought:
Question: What do you call a physician who got C's and D's all though medical school?

Answer: Doctor!!!!

Ummm...

2008-05-20T22:28:00.002-05:00

Please do me a favor. Please someone leave me a comment. No, it's not for my own ego. I just want to make sure that I didn't mess up something and make it so nobody can comment...

Thank you

There are very few things that make me laugh out loud, but...

2008-05-20T22:22:00.003-05:00

with profound respect to Yikes and Away , I must present this for your reading pleasure:

The Annual Darwin Awards
Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious Winner:
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honourable Mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the purse snatcher They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

****** A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Ok, my blog needs a new title

2008-05-16T22:08:00.002-05:00

Since I am not living in Forks, Washington and am now in the awesome town of Sheridan, Wyoming, I am thinking that my blog needs a new name.

So...what do you think??

I open the floor to your ideas, Oh Creative Internet Minions!!

:o) Okay, okay...please?

Have you missed me?

2008-05-16T21:49:00.003-05:00

Anyone who isn't family has probably erased me from their favorites list...maybe my family has, too! I must admit that life has been a bit busy over the past month. I have not taken the time to blog, but I'm back now. Will and I are now comfortably settled in Wyoming, enjoying the scenery and getting used to life in the west. It is really beautiful here and I PROMISE I will post pictures as soon as I:

1. Figure out how;
2. Take the time to post them; and
3. Take some awesome pictures of the gorgeous scenery.

I love my job and will have my provisional license next week. I am working up to a full caseload and am enjoying finally having the feedom to do what I have been trained to do...be a counselor to families and children that need some help. While I have guidance and support, I am free to have and exercise clinical judgement as well.

In all, life is good!!

More regular postings to follow...I promise!

Very Cool!!

2008-04-06T20:49:00.002-05:00

I just found Andria's website and saw that she is having avery cool giveaway of some keepsake journals. Stop by and check her out!! There's more to this chick than just cool giveaways, though...look around her site and see for yourself!!

What I learned from my last job

2008-04-06T18:15:00.001-05:00

Although I left exhausted and bitter, I did learn a lot from my last job. I learned many valuable lessons, some that were intentionally taught and others were not. Now, keep in mind that none of these lessons are set in stone…I am still developing my own views on all of this. They are also in no particular order:

***Children are usually best raised by their family. Blood ties are important. Family members can change and improve on their parenting abilities…if they choose to do so. This does not mean that change is easy, but with dedication, it can occur.

***Children’s behaviors are almost always the result of poor parenting skills by a caregiver. In saying this, I mean that children are not innately naughty and there is no such thing as a bad child. They learn that it is okay to act inappropriately when they are not taught differently. Reasons for poor parenting skills vary and almost never are due to a lack of love. Reasons include but aren’t limited to drugs, community violence, immaturity, lack of knowledge, and waiting too long to address problems.

***Children need structure and stability from day one. (Duh!) It is a parent’s responsibility to provide this. (Double Duh!)

***Unfortunately, some parents do not have and can not develop the skills necessary to be appropriate parents. This limitation is due to the parent’s issues. Other parents choose not to develop or utilize parenting skills. This is due to a choice made at some level in the parent’s mind. These are two completely separate issues. Unfortunately, the result is often the same: the children lose.

***There is a shortage of good foster homes. From what I have seen, Bob (see Bob's blog) appears to be an exception to this. I have seen a couple of good foster homes in my years, but not nearly enough. I have seen a number of well-intentioned foster homes that fall short. This is an individual agency problem, though.

***Waaaay too many people truly believe that they know what is best for “the child” when they don’t have a clue.

***Some children need individual counseling. This needs to be done with individualized attention to a child’s abilities and limitations. Therapies need to be tailored to meet the needs of the child.

***Equally, some adults need individual counseling. This, too, needs to be individualized based on needs and abilities.

***The past IS important, and sometimes needs to be dealt with before someone can move forward in life.

***School and education are stepping stones. Picture an olde time visiting doctor. I see master’s level education as the tool bag he carries, as well as some of the tools inside (this depends on your individual school, however). As you gain more work experience and life experience, your toolbox grows.

***Every child, every adult, every family needs something different. A cookie cutter approach is cheating. It is my responsibility to find what this person needs/wants and how they best respond to treatment. If this treatment is in my medicine bag, that’s fantastic. If not, then it is my responsibility to help them find the help they need.

***Some parents need more help than others. Some parents just need someone to walk beside them as they guide themselves to where they want and need to be. Others need daily lessons written down and reviewed daily in order to do what they should have known to do in the first place.

***In order to address a problem successfully, you must address the reason behind the problem. Problems don’t occur out of nowhere. Every problem has a reasoning that needs to be looked at and addressed. This is why many substance abuse programs just don’t work. If you take someone and put them away in a program and get them clean, you see the sober side of the person. You put them back into the same place, they relapse. Typical scenario, right? Drug abuse is not the problem. Drug abuse is a symptom of their problem…it is how the problem manifests itself. What is their problem? Childhood issues, self-control issues, self-image issues, guilt, self medicating mental illness…..it all depends on the person. Only now, there is a physical and or psychological chemical dependency that goes right along with it all.

That’s enough for now. My brain hurts!

Letting go

2008-04-05T22:52:00.002-05:00

After reading my niece's blog/facebook page and learning of her efforts to let go of the past, I am touched. When I read of my sister C's efforts to do the same, it was equally touching. It makes me think about letting go. I think that we have all been through so much in our lives. Some of us had difficult childhoods. Some of us had a difficult adolescence or difficult early adulthood. Or a combination of the above.

I have to say that overall, I had a wonderful childhood. I had two parents that came from difficult and dysfunctional first marriages. They found one another, fell in love, and had me. I thank God that my childhood was stable, happy, and pretty much care free. My half brothers and sisters were not blessed in the same way. They had at least one dysfunctional parent in the home. There has been some level of resentment from most of them as a result.

I had some struggles during school. I was teased because of my weight. I had some anger issues that developed. I also withdrew into the world of books. In some ways I was a nerd. I finally stood up for myself and what I believed in during school and my mom supported me. I refused to back down from a fight and was prepared to fight with a girl who beat up my best friend, who did not know how to fight. The planned fight was reported and I was to be suspended...until the vice principal called my mother at work. My mom stood up for me, knowing the situation. After talking with my mom, it was decided that I would not be suspended. LOL

My college years (undergraduate) were not the best for me. Although I met a lifelong friend (Hi, Keith!), overall, those years caused many a scar. From alcohol to drugs to violence, there were many incidents that have shaped who I am.

I never knew that my niece had a learning disability in school. I knew she worked very hard and that she was really a good kid. I did not have a learning disability in school, but have developed a memory impairment (that I and the doctors believe is) as a result of having two concussions within a short period of time. My memory is not good anymore. I have skills (like playing classical guitar) that disappeared. I have a hard time listening and writing at the same time...barrier in school and in seeing clients as a counselor, but I am fortunate to have tools to help me address this.

Back to letting go. There are many things I would like to let go of:

1. PW assaulted me physically and sexually in 1993. I've never been able to let go of the anger. It's impacted me in more ways than I can count.

2. My brother B hates me because I would not give him the house I inherited (and because mom agreed with me). I don't live there anymore...not even in the same state. Yet he still hates me. I can't let go of the pain about that. He was my big brother and I adored him...there's a part of me that still does.

3. My sister D has hated me for so long that I'm honestly not even sure why any more. We don't share the same values and she has hurt my mom repeatedly. I don't know where the break occurred exactly, but I do know that there is a lot of pain.

4. This is a hard one. I am angry at God for taking my dad away. I understand that he was old and that it was his time. But I miss him every day...a lot. When I am alone and it's quiet, I let myself cry sometimes. Sometimes I think I can hear his voice.

5. I am angry at myself for burying myself in an unhappy job that left me so stressed and overworked that I did not have time to deal with life. As a result, I lost contact with my family and friends and did not deal with any of my own issues. I wish I had "been there" more.

This is one of the reasons I am moving to Wyoming. By accepting this new job, I hope to be able to work on my own issues first. Then maybe the others will be able to be addressed.

For my sister and my niece: I am SOOO proud of you both. I love you both very much and wish that I had been around more. Please know that I am working on this. Maybe someday I will be sending a Christmas card to D and to you guys too! You two have always worked hard to hold the family together on some level. I give you a lot of credit for this! Ours is a challenging family, to say the least!

And as for my nephew R, I do not judge him. He is an intelligent man who has made some poor decisions. Behaviors/decisions come with consequences. But he is paying his consequences and will get on with his life. There is nothing to judge or to gossip about. None of us is perfect. I love R just as much as I do you all!!!

As a side note, maybe in time, I will address my own issues here in more detail. I don't know. But not tonight.

Now officially NOT homeless, too!

2008-04-02T22:07:00.002-05:00

I got us a home today. We're actually renting a smallish cottage, but I don't mind. Sheridan is experiencing a housing crunch right now and I am anxious to go and find out what's going on that makes Sheridan, Wyoming so freaking fantabulous!!! I am waaay excited! Nervous, too, but that's to be expected when moving 2,000 miles to a new town and new job. I am thankful for my friends and family that I can talk about my feelings of nervousness and stress and anxiety about things. It's nice having folks to talk/email with.

Some of the awesome things that I am hearing about Sheridan: Wide Open Spaces, lots of wildlife, mild winters, Yellowstone nearby, hiking, fishing, hunting (I wanna go!!), and lots of friendly folks!

One of my goals for the near future, blogging world, is to have a child. I'm nearing 38 and am more than ready. It is beyond biological clock ticking. It is just time. So, given current circumstances, it will take some medical intervention, but it is time to begin working on it. I am jealous of all you mommy bloggers out there...you daddy bloggers, too!

No longer jobless and homeless...

2008-04-01T00:38:00.003-05:00

I was offered a counseling position in Sheridan, Wyoming today. I am very excited about it. The CMH (community mental health) system is moving toward a more family systems approach, which is an area I am strong in. I will be able to work with children and families, both individually and as a unit. I will be moving in about a week and will be starting in about 2 weeks.

Technically, we are still homeless, as we do not have a home to move into yet. But I have an area to look for residence. So, that's an improvement.

I am excited about the job opportunity and the valuable experience I will gain there, including my LPC licensure. It should be a fantastic move!

Well, as I go almost no sleep last night due to insomnia (worry/perseverating thoughts of today's interview and results), I am going to take some meds (legal ones) and go to bed now.

Nightie night, blogging world!!!

A blast from my past...

2008-03-29T20:24:00.005-05:00

I recently had one of my first post graduate counseling clients get back in touch with me. To thank me. For changing her life. Mom was a meth addict who had also smoked marijuana regularly since childhood. The kids were taken from mom because of mom's meth addiction and lack of stability. There were rumors of mom being a prostitute, but I firmly believe they were unfounded. When I began the case, mom was hiding from the social worker and the children were not in her custody.

Mom is now 3+ years clean, has her children back, and is in college and doing well. Mom is studying to be a counselor. The children are doing well academically and socially, with good grades, extracurricular activities, and pro-social peers. Mom talked tearfully of how she would have never gotten her children or her life back if it was not for me. It was very touching and reminded me of why I do what I do.

My life is challenging at times...all of our lives are. But it is easy to forget that there but for the grace of God go you and I.

(even though there are no identifying characteristics in this post, I did obtain written consent for discussing the content related to this family.)

My new favorite online store

2008-03-29T20:14:00.004-05:00

A Sense of Humor

I want one of just about everything from this online store! And I want to thank Boobs, Injuries, & Dr Pepper's reviews for her link to it. I wish I had a huge readership so that I could spread the joy of the herpes virus with the whole USA!!!

Please check out this herpes virus BEFORE making negative comments about this post...it really is psychoeducational...and cute too!

Herpes Virus

Feeling Bamboozled and Befuddled...

2008-03-29T16:25:00.004-05:00

And I thought my headache couldn't get any worse. I had been assured that I had the position in Forks, that all that was lacking was one reference, then I would have my job offer in writing. I was told to obtain the licensure necessary to be Medicaid billable (which I did immediately). So then I quit my job, packed up the house, gave notice to the landlord, and rented a truck and planned out a 3,000 mile trip. Then, out of the blue, I get a call:

"We're sorry, but we have decided not to hire you and are keeping the position open." No further explanation. After some calls and emails, I have been promised my licesnsure fees back.

I don't get it. I have been told my references are great. I know I gots da interview skillz. I am experienced and am good at what I do. (Not bragging...really)

So now I am hoping for another position soon. I had applied for a position up in Bethel (Alaska), but they wanted someone already licensed. I am interviewing and as soon as I have a job and a new home, I will be changing the name of this blog...and will be asking for suggestions. I'd like to give out a prize for the best one, but as I am currently jobless and (almost kinda) homeless (moving in with mom if nothing else works out), I really can't do that.

LOL - and no, mom, I wouldn't like some cheese to go with my whine!!

More updates as soon as they come in...maybe as soon as Monday.

What a headache!!

2008-03-16T19:58:00.003-05:00

OK, so I am trying to figure out the best (read easiest and cheapest) way to move from Alabama to Washington. 3,000 miles. Gas is $3.30 a gallon. I am counting pennies, figuring and re-figuring our budget. Never planned a move this complicated. But it will work out. This may sound odd, but it just "feels right." It feels like this is something that is supposed to be, so everything else is just details. Granted, the details are complicated and giving me a migraine. But still are details.

This will be a blog about Forks, Washington. I promise. I will have first hand info when we get there. In the mean time, I have my wonderful niece's account to share:

"It is very much the country, if you haven't been there before you may be surprised at how quiet and unoccupied it is for being so close to the ocean. Lots of land, not a lot of populated areas, not a lot of money in the area considering how beautiful it is and how all the beautiful places seem to get snatched up by those with the money to spend. That's what I love about it the most, although I fear if we really do have global warming that in the next decade or two that dynamic will change as the Californians move north.

With that said, we LOVE LOVE LOVE the peninsula. And you'll be in the middle of Native American country which is cool, lots of reservations around the area. We also Love the area because of Olympic national park, mountains and rainforests, old-growth forests, hotsprings, etc. with lots of animals like elk, bear, deer, etc. etc. The ocean right there is great, totally love it and hear that in the winter it's great fun to watch the storms roll in off the ocean (we haven't done that yet). I will say the water is COLD and never warms up enough to really swim in, although from time to time you'll see some brave kids try it. Surfers wear wetsuits even in the summer. BUT we love to take our dogs to the beach particularly fall-spring because the beaches are so empty they can run and go crazy. I can't even tell you how much we love it there, we'd love to buy vacation property out there but can't really afford that. :) Maybe retire out there some day. We go camping out there on the peninsula all the time, mostly in areas a bit south of Forks, and we've done the backcountry hiking, etc. The great thing is you can go to the beach and then climb a 10000 foot peak and not have to go very far to do it! I get rejuvenated every time we're out there because it's so natural and beautiful and the people are real and mostly friendly but not overly so. The only thing we don't love is seeing the logging that happens out on the peninsula, but people have to make a living and it's not like I've boycotted all things made with wood. "

Here are a couple of interesting websites:
http://www.forkswa.com/ the local chamber of commerce

http://www.forksforum.com/ the local newspaper link

Now, I am going to take some Tylenol and lay down and stop thinking about the complicated details of moving! :o)

Hello Blogging World...

2008-03-15T15:33:00.001-05:00

I've been a lurker on too many good blogs for too long. I, too, have things to say!! So I am hereby entering the blogsphere myself. I am in the process of getting hired (I hope!) in the small town of Forks, Washington. I will be moving from Alabama...Me, DH, and Missy (the adorable pug). I am beyond excited about the future and things to come. What can you expect from me? I love nature and photography, interesting stories, and may even share a bit of personal stuff here and there. You won't find profanity, politics, or anything about my clients (HIPPA rules...sorry). I'm hoping to blog here at least once or twice a week. I'm hoping to stay in touch with friends and family this way too, cuz I sometimes forget...okay I really suck (that's as close to profanity as you'll find here!) at keeping in touch with everyone.