Letting go

After reading my niece's blog/facebook page and learning of her efforts to let go of the past, I am touched. When I read of my sister C's efforts to do the same, it was equally touching. It makes me think about letting go. I think that we have all been through so much in our lives. Some of us had difficult childhoods. Some of us had a difficult adolescence or difficult early adulthood. Or a combination of the above.

I have to say that overall, I had a wonderful childhood. I had two parents that came from difficult and dysfunctional first marriages. They found one another, fell in love, and had me. I thank God that my childhood was stable, happy, and pretty much care free. My half brothers and sisters were not blessed in the same way. They had at least one dysfunctional parent in the home. There has been some level of resentment from most of them as a result.

I had some struggles during school. I was teased because of my weight. I had some anger issues that developed. I also withdrew into the world of books. In some ways I was a nerd. I finally stood up for myself and what I believed in during school and my mom supported me. I refused to back down from a fight and was prepared to fight with a girl who beat up my best friend, who did not know how to fight. The planned fight was reported and I was to be suspended...until the vice principal called my mother at work. My mom stood up for me, knowing the situation. After talking with my mom, it was decided that I would not be suspended. LOL

My college years (undergraduate) were not the best for me. Although I met a lifelong friend (Hi, Keith!), overall, those years caused many a scar. From alcohol to drugs to violence, there were many incidents that have shaped who I am.

I never knew that my niece had a learning disability in school. I knew she worked very hard and that she was really a good kid. I did not have a learning disability in school, but have developed a memory impairment (that I and the doctors believe is) as a result of having two concussions within a short period of time. My memory is not good anymore. I have skills (like playing classical guitar) that disappeared. I have a hard time listening and writing at the same time...barrier in school and in seeing clients as a counselor, but I am fortunate to have tools to help me address this.

Back to letting go. There are many things I would like to let go of:

1. PW assaulted me physically and sexually in 1993. I've never been able to let go of the anger. It's impacted me in more ways than I can count.

2. My brother B hates me because I would not give him the house I inherited (and because mom agreed with me). I don't live there anymore...not even in the same state. Yet he still hates me. I can't let go of the pain about that. He was my big brother and I adored him...there's a part of me that still does.

3. My sister D has hated me for so long that I'm honestly not even sure why any more. We don't share the same values and she has hurt my mom repeatedly. I don't know where the break occurred exactly, but I do know that there is a lot of pain.

4. This is a hard one. I am angry at God for taking my dad away. I understand that he was old and that it was his time. But I miss him every day...a lot. When I am alone and it's quiet, I let myself cry sometimes. Sometimes I think I can hear his voice.

5. I am angry at myself for burying myself in an unhappy job that left me so stressed and overworked that I did not have time to deal with life. As a result, I lost contact with my family and friends and did not deal with any of my own issues. I wish I had "been there" more.

This is one of the reasons I am moving to Wyoming. By accepting this new job, I hope to be able to work on my own issues first. Then maybe the others will be able to be addressed.

For my sister and my niece: I am SOOO proud of you both. I love you both very much and wish that I had been around more. Please know that I am working on this. Maybe someday I will be sending a Christmas card to D and to you guys too! You two have always worked hard to hold the family together on some level. I give you a lot of credit for this! Ours is a challenging family, to say the least!

And as for my nephew R, I do not judge him. He is an intelligent man who has made some poor decisions. Behaviors/decisions come with consequences. But he is paying his consequences and will get on with his life. There is nothing to judge or to gossip about. None of us is perfect. I love R just as much as I do you all!!!

As a side note, maybe in time, I will address my own issues here in more detail. I don't know. But not tonight.