And more anxiety...

Work went well today. It really did. While I didn't see any clients, I began to settle back in and work on a plan to transition my clients back to my care. It was only four hours and I left feeling exhausted, but satisfied that I will be able to transition back.

*

Last night, I had a conversation with LC. I clarified the boundaries of our relationship. We are friends. We live too far apart to pursue anything more and there are issues that need to be worked on. There were two things that I told him, two revelations, that are significant.

*

Right now, I am working very hard to focus on thinking and not feeling. Feeling leads to bad things. I know that this is unhealthy, but it is the truth right now. I am not numb. I can feel the walls going up, though. I went through a period in my past where I was "hard," for lack of a better word. I was angry, fearless, and pretty much didn't care. I don't want to end up there. But I am not able to handle feelings very well right now.

*

The other concept is something that is not new to me, but something that I have not voiced in a long time. Every man in my life that I have been close to has left. My dad died, my oldest brother died (within months of each other). My uncle died. My ex did not leave me in the same way, but he was someone that I loved and trusted at one time who...well...you all know the story. One of my brothers is an alcoholic with mental health issues...he never really liked me. But my other brother, the one closest to my age, decided that he hated me many years ago over a stupid feud. I adored and idolized him and he left me, too. Haven't spoken to him in about 15 years.

*

I just finished having a panic attack and I don't know what set it off. That bothers me. I try to analyze it and figure it all out. But sometimes I can't. And that sucks.

anxiety...

I am anxious about going back to work. I shouldn't be (anxious). When I think logically, I know that I am good at my job. I am just about back to normal physically and emotionally. I work with folks that are very supportive. My employer held my job for almost 2 months to allow me time to heal from the most debilitating symptoms of the post concussive syndrome.

***

But there is a part of me that is panicked, freaked out at going back and resuming my job. This part of my brain is illogical and tries to convince me that I am not well enough and that I can't hack it. This part of my brain tells me that I can't do my job and will fail. I know where those words come from. They are not my words, but words that I have heard. The associated feelings, though, are mine. I have to take ownership of how I respond to those words.

***

So I try. But some nights it is difficult to focus on positive self talk, deep breathing, calming exercises. Tonight is one of those nights. The negativity leads to anxiety and, if I can't get it under control, will lead to a panic attack.