Weolcome to...blogging while "Comfortably Numb"

Okay, please realize that much of what of what I am thinking and feeling is natural and for the most part does not carry over to my professional life. I am currently experiencing PTSD symptoms, anxiety/panic symptoms, and (tonight especially) a lot of anger and resentment toward my ex.

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One thing I need to clear up. Why did I do what I did? Why did I not press charges and not have things handled locally through the local police department? The major reason is distance. I simply wanted as much space as possible between us so that I could move on with my life. I did not expect what happened to happen. I knew it was a possibility. Another related reason was that if things were handled here, he would be here for hearings, would be bonded out, and available for further incidents. Distance was the logical answer. One much more minor reason was that I simply wanted him gone from my life.

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Tonight, I am angry. I am tired all the time. I can function for 3-4 hours, but then need to rest. My head hurts all of the time. I'm told this may last for a year! I have nightmares every night and flashbacks at times during the day. I have anxiety every evening that sometimes lead to panic attacks. I am scared of relationships with men and am not trusting. I am angry and I am blaming. I am a pacifist at heart, but I want karma to come around and bite him on the ass! It's just not fair!! (yes, I'm whining!)

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What I want right now I cannot blog about. I would never do it anyway. Nor do I have resources to have it done. But hey!! It gives me something to look at and wish for when things get their darkest!

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I probably shouldn't blog about this, but has been tearing me up inside. I somehow have screwed up a friendship of someone online who was very special to me. I don't know what I did and this person won't give me a chance to work it out. I cant describe how much this sucks...but it does. Maybe it happened during those weeks when I have no recall of what I did or where I went or anything else, due to the concussion and what the docs call Post Concussive Syndrome. I Dunno.

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I am doing what I need to do to express my feelings right now without losing it. While maintaining control. I have been so focused on thinking and not feeling lately that I decided it was time to talk more in depth about my feelings. I don't know how successful I've been, but I've tried. Here anyway.

anxiety...

I am anxious about going back to work. I shouldn't be (anxious). When I think logically, I know that I am good at my job. I am just about back to normal physically and emotionally. I work with folks that are very supportive. My employer held my job for almost 2 months to allow me time to heal from the most debilitating symptoms of the post concussive syndrome.

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But there is a part of me that is panicked, freaked out at going back and resuming my job. This part of my brain is illogical and tries to convince me that I am not well enough and that I can't hack it. This part of my brain tells me that I can't do my job and will fail. I know where those words come from. They are not my words, but words that I have heard. The associated feelings, though, are mine. I have to take ownership of how I respond to those words.

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So I try. But some nights it is difficult to focus on positive self talk, deep breathing, calming exercises. Tonight is one of those nights. The negativity leads to anxiety and, if I can't get it under control, will lead to a panic attack.