Weolcome to...blogging while "Comfortably Numb"

Okay, please realize that much of what of what I am thinking and feeling is natural and for the most part does not carry over to my professional life. I am currently experiencing PTSD symptoms, anxiety/panic symptoms, and (tonight especially) a lot of anger and resentment toward my ex.

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One thing I need to clear up. Why did I do what I did? Why did I not press charges and not have things handled locally through the local police department? The major reason is distance. I simply wanted as much space as possible between us so that I could move on with my life. I did not expect what happened to happen. I knew it was a possibility. Another related reason was that if things were handled here, he would be here for hearings, would be bonded out, and available for further incidents. Distance was the logical answer. One much more minor reason was that I simply wanted him gone from my life.

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Tonight, I am angry. I am tired all the time. I can function for 3-4 hours, but then need to rest. My head hurts all of the time. I'm told this may last for a year! I have nightmares every night and flashbacks at times during the day. I have anxiety every evening that sometimes lead to panic attacks. I am scared of relationships with men and am not trusting. I am angry and I am blaming. I am a pacifist at heart, but I want karma to come around and bite him on the ass! It's just not fair!! (yes, I'm whining!)

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What I want right now I cannot blog about. I would never do it anyway. Nor do I have resources to have it done. But hey!! It gives me something to look at and wish for when things get their darkest!

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I probably shouldn't blog about this, but has been tearing me up inside. I somehow have screwed up a friendship of someone online who was very special to me. I don't know what I did and this person won't give me a chance to work it out. I cant describe how much this sucks...but it does. Maybe it happened during those weeks when I have no recall of what I did or where I went or anything else, due to the concussion and what the docs call Post Concussive Syndrome. I Dunno.

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I am doing what I need to do to express my feelings right now without losing it. While maintaining control. I have been so focused on thinking and not feeling lately that I decided it was time to talk more in depth about my feelings. I don't know how successful I've been, but I've tried. Here anyway.

Why am I writing about life changing experiences?

Aside from entertaining the masses...the hundreds of thousands of you who faithfully read my blog, I have other reasons for writing about the things that have changed my life. By the way, I am convinced that my stat counter must be off. I know that I have hundreds of thousands of faithful followers...

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But alas, I digress.

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As a counselor, people assume that I am intelligent. People know that I have gone through college and have my Master's Degree. After all, it's framed on the wall of my office. I can talk about theories and their founder's. I can discuss which interventions are empirically validated and which are not. I know psychology and I know counseling. People expect this. My clients, my colleagues, my supervisors. They all know that I am proficient in this area. They see that I play chess, enjoy reading, and am pretty good at photography. This all adds to their picture of me as an intelligent being.

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Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not debating that fact. I'm just saying that it's only half of the story. I am a survivor, on many levels. I have been through many things over the past 37 years and 360 days (I'll be 38 on Friday). The things that I have listed above make me a counselor. But the things I have been through, the things that have touched and changed my life, are what makes me a good counselor.

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I don't claim to be perfect, but I seem to be pretty good at helping folks get from where they are to where they want or need to be. The first story I chose to share was fairly mild in comparison to some others I will be sharing, but it was an easy starting point. Some of the others will prove that I have not always been smart, even though I've always been fairly intelligent.