My First Life Changing Event, Part 2

WARNING - This post is not for the faint of heart. It contains sex, violence, and may be difficult to read. It was certainly difficult to write...

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Catch up on Part 1 here.

Part 2
One night, I couldn't stand the isolation anymore. It was about 2am and I figured that the chances of PW being around were minimal. So I left. I was going to walk a block to the corner store and buy munchies. I was trying to figure out what to do. I was hoping my friends could just run him off and life could go back to normal...whatever that was!
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So, I get to the lobby, where the night watch person is, and I go outside. Then I see PW running through the halls toward me. I know I can't outrun him, so I wait. He confronts me in a rage. He is calling me names and saying that I am making up lies about him raping me. I start shouting back, and notice as his fists curl. He shouts at me that his mama didn't raise him to rape a woman, she raised him to treat women with respect. I ask him if his mama taught him to shout and curse at women the way he was shouting at me. He started to raise his left hand to slap me and I grabbed it. I shoved it and him back a half a step.
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I have been in more than a couple of fights in my life, both with guys and girls. I'm not a wuss. I have older brothers and I know how to fight. But PW punched me once, just once. He knocked me out cold. That one punch broke my nose, fractured my maxilla (upper jaw bone), knocked 2 teeth loose, and split my lip, requiring 7 stitches. The fall knocked me out for about 4 minutes, until EMS got there, and left me with a significant concussion.
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When I came to, I remembered everything. At first. By the time I got to the hospital, I was having problems. I couldn't remember the day or date or year or president or any of the other questions they ask you. I couldn't even remember how old I was. It was strange, though. I knew that I knew the answers. I just couldn't find them in my brain. It was freaky. I was there for a while, but they eventually released me.
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When I got back to the dorm, I was told that I needed to go see the campus police. I was not in very good condition, but went anyway. They kept me for 3 hours, interrogating me about the situation. When I explained that I had a concussion and needed to rest (I had been at the hospital all night), it just didn't matter. I had to write statements about the rape and the assault. I did, or tried to. My brain was still not working well. The police said that they were not going to press charges on the rape, because there were no witnesses. But that they would be in touch with me about the assault. They really wanted information about my friends that I was hanging out with off campus. They wanted to know their names and activities, but I didn't tell them anything. So eventually they gave up, let me go, and I wandered back to the dorm to get some rest.
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I had no clue what to do at that point. PW had disappeared, but I knew he could turn up at any point. I knew he still had a gun and a knife. But I was really close to finishing my degree. So I was leaning toward staying. I tried to get ahold of my off campus friends, but nobody was returning my calls. I really just wanted to rest anyway, so didn't worry about it too much.
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A guy that I had known since my freshman year knocked on my door. He was involved in the same sort of thing that my friends were, only he was "working" on campus. He and I were respectful toward one another, friendly, but not close. He asked if he could come in and talk to me. At first I said no. I actually said "F**k you! Hell no!!" I was scared. Of everyone. Then I looked at him and I looked in his eyes. I saw worry and concern behind his typical front. I let him in. He sat down and his front vanished. He spoke to me like an older brother. And his words saved my life. I truly believe that to this day.
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"Listen, I'll make this quick. P went to your crew (my off campus friends) and told them that you were at the police station and snitched on them and their business. P then came to me and my crew and told us the same d**n thing. Folks saw you walking back from the police and made their own connections. Girl, I know you better than that and I saw what he did to you. I know what he did before he beat the crap out of you too. I have a mama and two sisters and that sh** is ill. But you need to know what he is doing. He is setting you up. You need to get the f**k out of here now. Tonight.
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And I did. Thanks, Greg! I am convinced that Greg saved my life. I moved home with my family, and began to heal. That winter, I had my car accident and broke my neck - see my Second Life Changing Experience. I stayed away from school for a few years, until I knew that absolutely everyone I had associated with was gone. Then I went back and finished.

Why am I writing about life changing experiences?

Aside from entertaining the masses...the hundreds of thousands of you who faithfully read my blog, I have other reasons for writing about the things that have changed my life. By the way, I am convinced that my stat counter must be off. I know that I have hundreds of thousands of faithful followers...

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But alas, I digress.

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As a counselor, people assume that I am intelligent. People know that I have gone through college and have my Master's Degree. After all, it's framed on the wall of my office. I can talk about theories and their founder's. I can discuss which interventions are empirically validated and which are not. I know psychology and I know counseling. People expect this. My clients, my colleagues, my supervisors. They all know that I am proficient in this area. They see that I play chess, enjoy reading, and am pretty good at photography. This all adds to their picture of me as an intelligent being.

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Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not debating that fact. I'm just saying that it's only half of the story. I am a survivor, on many levels. I have been through many things over the past 37 years and 360 days (I'll be 38 on Friday). The things that I have listed above make me a counselor. But the things I have been through, the things that have touched and changed my life, are what makes me a good counselor.

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I don't claim to be perfect, but I seem to be pretty good at helping folks get from where they are to where they want or need to be. The first story I chose to share was fairly mild in comparison to some others I will be sharing, but it was an easy starting point. Some of the others will prove that I have not always been smart, even though I've always been fairly intelligent.

My First Life Changing Event, Part 1

WARNING - This post is not for the faint of heart. It contains sex, violence, and may be difficult to read. It was certainly difficult to write...

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FAMILY WARNING - Mom does not need to know the details of this post...ever!! She knows the basics and that is enough.
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I had "talked to" this young man for a while. We were friends and both lived in dorms on campus that faced each other. We had partied together and had slept together a few times. We remained friends, talking daily and just hanging out. He was dating a young lady that needed a personal assistant due to a physical disability. I was a paid assistant for her. She and I were also friends. I was dating someone as well. He and I both had pet boa constrictors that we had snuck into the dorms. We had a lot in common and were pretty good friends. This took place in the summertime, between semesters, back in the early 90's.

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Physically, PW was gorgeous. He had dark skin, bright white teeth, and adorable dimples. He was always kind, funny, and affectionate. He had studied martial arts since he was a kid. He had just gotten out of the army. He was very muscular. And very.......mmmmm.......talented. If ya know what I mean!

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At this time in my life, I was also hanging around some folks who weren't college students. Most of them were older and were involved in.......mmmmm..........colorful activities. They were a rough group. I actually fit in well. I could be myself and have fun and party. There were guns and drugs and violence everywhere, but I knew how to avoid it. I was there just to have fun.

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One Friday, I had gotten paid. I worked at a retail store as well as helping the young woman who was physically disabled. I cashed my check. That night, I wanted a pizza. I only had a $100 left. When I ordered the pizza, I told them that I only had a $100 and they would not bring enough cash to give me change. I had no checking account. So, I stopped to think about who had change. PW was the closest. My other friends would have change, too, but PW lived on campus. So, I called PW. He had change and, even better, he had...party supplies, both alcohol and some good other stuff. So the plan was that I would go and cash the $100 and then we would get the pizza and party together. It sounded like an excellent plan to me!

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When I got to his room, PW had started the party without me. He was high and a little tipsy. He changed my $100, but then started joking around and wouldn't give me the change. We laughed and joked around, but then it became clear that he was going to be a jerk. I stood up to leave and demanded my money back. I was pissed by this point. He finally got up and handed me my money. I turned to leave and as I walked toward the door, he grabbed me. I thought he was joking.

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He spun me around and pushed me up against the bunk beds in his room. I had never seen that look on his face and I was scared. It was sweet, but with anger and control behind it. He tried to sweet-talk me and convince me to have sex with him, just once more, for old time's sake. He smiled and showed his dimples, but they weren't quite as cute anymore. I told him no, that I was dating someone and was faithful. Then he got angry.

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I was terrified. He was stronger than I was. And he had both a knife and a gun. I knew that he could end my life if he so chose. I knew that he was under the influence and that I was in very real danger. I wanted to fight. I wanted so badly to bite when I had the opportunity to inflict lifelong damage. I remember weighing the options for a moment. I remember thinking, "If he makes me..............I'm going to bite it off." But then the violence took over. I numbed out (the clinical term would be disassociated), in order to deal with what was going on. I won't go into detail about what happened (you all don't need the gory details), but it was bad.

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When it was over, he threw the money at me and laughed. He told me that he made a bet with his girlfriend (my "friend") that he could lure me back for a one night stand. She said no way. He laughed again and said that he knew he could do it. I just looked at him blankly and walked away.

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I went to one of the resident advisers and told her what had happened. She didn't know what to do. I thought about going to the police, but did not like or trust the police at that point in my life. They had never helped me before when I needed it and I had no faith that they would help this time.

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So I went to my friends. I was a mess, physically and emotionally. They made plans to go find him and "take care of business." I just wanted it to go away. I went back to my dorm and locked myself in my room for 5 days. I had food and stuff, but was afraid to go out. I was hoping my friends would call, but they couldn't catch up with PW.

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Part 2 coming soon!

My Second Life Changing Event, Part 4

Catch up on Part 1

Catch up on Part 2

Catch up on Part 3

So, the brilliant x ray techs and their supervisor came back to my room with the portable x-ray machine. X rays were taken, without the techs being allowed to kill me. It was decided that the halo was placed correctly and that the traction was at an appropriate weight. I was happy. I had pain meds...that was all I needed to be happy.

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I spent the first day in traction. I was told that this could be a week long process and not to count on it working. That first night, I remember thinking about the accident. When I thought about it, I realized that I should have died. Really. My calmness and rationalism on the scene aside, I should not have survived that accident. I realized that I needed to change my life. I needed to move on from the first life changing event that I was still stuck trying to deal with.

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So I was lying in bed. I was thinking of all the things I wanted to do with my life. I realized that I had a future ahead of me. But then I came back to reality. It might be a quadriplegic future. I started scaring myself with what-if questions. What if I had to have surgery and something goes wrong and I end up a quadriplegic and a burden to my family? What if I went through the accident only to die in surgery? I decided that there was only one thing to do. I said a prayer and put it all in God's hands.

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I was in traction for the first full day. The following morning, more x-rays were done...with a portable x-ray machine, even! The doctor came in with an odd look on his face. "The traction did it. It pulled all of the bone fragments back into place. The bone fragments are exactly where they need to be, but I want to make sure with another CT scan. And so they did.

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They took me out of traction after my first full day in the hospital. The next day I was sitting up. I got to eat real food. I got to dangle my legs off the side of the bed. I asked them when I could go home. They sent me a physical therapist that day. My mom and I described the layout of the house, that there were 12 stairs up to my room and the bathroom was downstairs. And so we began working.

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It took me a while to figure stuff out. Those halo's are heavy and awkward. There are 4 pointed screws in your skull connected to 4 iron rods that connect to the vest. I couldn't look down to see where I was walking. I couldn't lie down. I couldn't see where the steps were. I couldn't even bathe myself!
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I thank God for my mom. She helped me figure things out. Day 2 I was sitting up. Day 3 I was walking and figuring out what I needed at home to help me. Day 3 I was walking up and down stairs. It was odd, not being able to watch where I was going. Day 4 was one more set of xrays and I went home!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Home.......this chapter is titled Boredom, Drugs, and Humility

I made it home and up to my room with no problem. Mom had gotten tons of pillows and my daybed was pushed into the corner. I could not sleep lying down. There were 2 bars going from my halo down my neck to the back of the brace. If I laid down, my head would not touch the pillow...I wouldn't stand it. So I slept in the corner of my bed against the wall, with tons of pillows around me. I had a tv in my room now and a brand new Sega Genesis (yes, it was a long time ago!) I had my pain medication and muscle relaxers and took them faithfully. I relaxed and watched tv and played video games and read, but was quickly bored. I spent less and less time in my room as the days went on. I hung out with mom and dad. We talked. Dad and I played Yahtzee. I learned a very valuable lesson at this point in my life. It was called humility. At 23 years of age, my mommy had to give me a bath. I was not able to help much, either. God bless the mothers out there!!! I adore my mom and am grateful for everything she has done for me!

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I had the halo for about 6 months. Then I had a soft collar that I wore off and on for a very long time. The halo atrophied my neck muscles. I had more neck pain when the halo was taken off than I did when I first came home. The weight of my head on my neck was terribly painful. It took a lot of time to rebuild my neck muscles.

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Now?? I'm fine. I have one side effect from the accident: I have migraines. I take meds for them and it works well enough. Migraines are certainly better than the other possibilities I was facing!!

My Second Life Changing Event, Part 3

So, the doctor tells me in no uncertain terms that my neck was broken. I knew this, but nobody else seemed to realize it. He told me that they were going to have to operate. And that I was looking at a long recovery. That part concerned me.

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As you may have figured out, this was a while ago. I was 23 years old and recovering from PTSD from my first life changing experience (I am working on the courage to blog about that one). I was living back at home with mom and dad due to that same incident, but had my whole life ahead of me. I realized quickly just what a C2 burst fracture meant. It is commonly called a hangman's fracture. For those of you without medical knowledge, the C2 vertebra surrounds the brain stem. The brain stem is responsible for some of the minor body functions of the human body. It controls things like blood pressure, breathing, heart rate, and sleeping. Nothing major...really...Unfortunately (or fortunately), I had enough medical knowledge left over from anatomy class to know how lucky I was. I was scared. But I was a pretty smart kid with a huge survival instinct and knew when I needed to put fear aside and be rational. I also had a dad who I adored and who worried about me. He was 72 years old and I knew that I needed to be strong for him.

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The doctor consulted with an orthopaedic specialist and came back into the room. He explained what he saw on the x ray and the CT scan. He said that the muscles and tendons were still attached to the vertebra, which literally exploded into many pieces when the car hit me. None of these pieces had damaged either the brain stem or the spinal cord. But he was concerned about the placement of one shard, which was along side the brain stem. He talked about the dangers of swelling and pressure and ANY movement whatsoever. He then proceeded to tell me that there was a VERY small chance traction could pull the pieces back together. He was not confident and stated that he would give it about a 3 to 5 % chance of success. I told him that I would like to try it and see. He told me that he was willing to try it for 24 hours and then re-evaluate, but if there was not a dramatically positive change, we would have to revisit the surgical plan. I agreed.

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Then, for the first time in HOURS, I was allowed to sit up. The neck brace was still on and there was a doctor and 2 very well built, completely mouth watering male nurses. At least I think they were nurses...techs...someone!! I was still in shock I think, was in a bit of a fog from the pain meds, but was quite lucid and still logical enough to discuss treatment options with the doctor. I was excited to be able to sit up. Everyone was very very careful and kept warning me not to move my neck, reminding me of the shard that was resting against my brain stem (as if I had forgotten!), reminding me of the sensations I needed to watch out for (racing heart rate, feeling short of breath or dizzy).

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In my excitement over being off the backboard after hours and being able to sit up and watching these two cute guys who suddenly appeared in the room, I had forgotten what was coming next. I had seen a young man in high school who had a halo. I knew what it looked like (weird) and new basically what it entailed. Well, guess what? I was SOOO not prepared to have 4 screws screwed into my skull!! I quickly realized what the 2 nurses/techs were there for. Those cute SOB's had the job of screwing those screws into my skull. The pain? INTENSE!! There were 2 of them working so they could finish as quickly as possible. (And to restrain me if they had to so I couldn't hurt myself.) I realize that now. I asked them to stop for a moment so I could catch my breath, but they didn't. It felt like my head was in a vise and being tightened. The absence of control terrified me (they didn't stop when I asked them to -- see PTSD above). I clenched my eyes closed and held my breath through the whole thing. The 2 nurses/techs? No longer adorable or mouth-watering...it's amazing how one's view of someone can change simply by them screwing some big screws into your skull!

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They then transferred me to my room. I could finally be with my mom and dad. It was about 10:00 at night I think, a good 12 hours after the accident. I was given more pain meds and muscle relaxers put into traction. My doctor called radiology. They took their time showing up and he went to see another patient. Fortunately my mother was there. While I remember the event clearly, I was not speaking well at that time. The shock was wearing off and I was cold and was shivering, teeth chattering. The pain meds had me feeling spacy and somewhat comfortable. I was in some private distress from the whole halo experience, which made me shut down somewhat emotionally.

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So, radiology shows up. Two young techs are talking, trying to figure out how to do an x-ray of me while I am in traction. My mom is just sitting there, listening politely. At first. Then these two techs decide that they would simply take me out of traction, put me in a wheelchair, and just take me to x-ray!! I remember the instant thought of "these stupid techs are going to kill me." Then my mom spoke up. She wasn't polite. She sent them to the charge nurse with their idea. She kicked them out of the room and then went to the nurses station and had the doctor paged. Apparantly, they spoke to the charge nurse, who called their supervisor. Together the four of them had a discussion about the pros and cons of their idea. Then the techs were reminded that they had a portable x-ray machine that they could use... (DUH!)

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(yep, part 4 is coming)

My Second Life Changing Event, part 2

(More hiking planned for this weekend, but here's another chapter in my life changing event)

I had a Ford Escort...the ones with the automatic seat belts. Sometimes I wore the lap belt, too. Sometimes I didn't. It wouldn't have mattered that day. The automatic seat belt wasn't adjustable and it lay across my neck and upper torso. The seatbelt broke my neck.

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The car finally stopped spinning. I was in the ditch across the street and down the road a bit. My car was upright and I was still alive. By the time the car stopped spinning, I was calm. I knew immediately that my neck was broken. I don't know how I knew, but I knew. I knew that I needed to sit absolutly still and wait for help. I sat bolt upright in the seat. I felt no pain...had too much adrenaline to feel any pain. I sat and realized that my car was smoking and that I smelled gas. I stayed still and turned the key off. I waited for help.

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I realized, almost with a sort of detachment, that my head was bleeding. I saw the man who lived in the corner house come running with a first aid kit. He told me that the police and ambulance were on the way. He wanted to put pressure on the cut on my face, but I was afraid to let him touch me. I told him that I believed my neck was broken and that he could injure it more by putting pressure on the cut. I asked him to wait for the paramedics and asked him to call my parents. He did.

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The police arrived at the scene quickly. I explained what had happened and one of the officers crawled into the car, in the crumpled backseat. He stabilized my neck by holding it against the headrest. That was a relief for me, because the adrenaline was starting to wear off and the pain was setting in. My father arrived soon after that. He was understandablu upset and here was a lot of chaos. I totally lied and assured my dad that I was fine and that they were only holding my head as a precaution, to make sure I didn't hurt my neck in the accident. I asked him to go pick up my mom and meet me at the hospital. He agreed and the ambulance arrived soon after my dad left.

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The neck stabilizer/collar that they put on me was the wrong size. It was too small and would not fasten appropriately. But I was in a lot of pain, so they chose to leave it on and stabilize me on the backbord and get me to the hospital as soon as they could. Except that I was in pain. And I was tired. Nobody had given me anything for pain and didn't until waaay after I was at the hospital. Every single bump hurt like hell. I cussed them out and told them that they needed to slow down and drive more carefully. I told them that if they couldn't do anything about my pain, they damn sure needed to not make it worse!

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When we arrived at the hospital, it was busy. It was always busy. There were no rooms available. I had to wait on the stretcher, on the backboard, with the too small collar, in pain, with no pain meds...in the hallway. I thanked God that I wasn't actually dying at the moment, but prayed that they would get to me soon. I remember crying in that hallway. My parents hadn't gotten there yet and I hurt really bad and nobody would pay attention to me.

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I got to the hospital by 10:15 or 10:20 at the latest. I had x-rays and a CT Scan done. After the X-rays, people started listening to me. I was given pain meds and began to have a little bit of pain relief as the doctor told me that I had broken my neck. I told him that I knew that, but was hoping I didn't have to wear a halo. The doctor smiled, but said that I would have to wear one, even though they do look wierd. They did the CT Scan to see more details of my injury. This time, the doctor looked more serious when he came back in. Much more serious.

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"You have a C2 burst fracture," he explained. "When the seat belt caught your neck, the vertabra exploded. You are fortunate in that none of the fragments has penetrated your spinal cord. You will most likely have to have surgery to repair the vertabra and should expect a long recovery here in the hospital. You are lucky to be alive."

(To be continued)

My second life changing event.

I was tired - really, really tired. I had just finished working a double shift. I had gone into work at 3pm and worked until 7am. I was working in a group home, taking care of developmentally disabled adults. I loved my job and enjoyed caring for the 6 residents that lived in the home. I had been working with developmentally disabled and physically handicapped adults for a few years, had been well trained, and was dedicated to providing quality care for them. My relief didn't show up that morning, so I ended up working until about 10am, until someone could relieve me so that I could go home and sleep.

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I was tired. I was not concerned about driving home, though. I only lived about 5 miles away from the group home. It was daylight, the roads were clear, and the sky was bright blue. I drank another can of Mountain Dew, confident that the caffeine would be enough to get me home. I bid everyone good afternoon/goodnight (depending on their perspective) and hopped in my car.

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I was a good driver. I had driven in rain, snow, and ice storms when I had to. I had never driven drunk. I was just tired and only had a little way to go home. So I got in the car and left. I drove home the same way I did every single day I worked. I was careful, just like always.

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Then I got to the corner of Knapp and Grand River. I had a stop sign and stopped. I yawned and stretched. There was no traffic, so I wasn't worried about holding anyone up. To my left, there is a big hill. I looked and there was nothing coming. I looked to the right and nothing was coming from that direction, either. So I stepped on the gas.

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Time slowed to a crawl as I heard the crash. I heard the metal directly behind my driver's door shriek as it gave way. I heard my neck snap and knew in that moment that I was going to die. I heard someone scream, a classic horror-movie scream. It took a moment before I realized it was me. I saw the world spinning around me as the car spun in circles and I closed my eyes. I prayed that it would all be over quickly.

(To be continued)