A bad day...

I feel like all I am doing is whining and bitching on here. It really is NOT me, I assure you!!! If that is the impression I give to you, I apologize.

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My Soon-To-Be ex left today on a bus for home. This should be cause for celebration. But I need to see my dr again.

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Tonight? I can't sleep and I can't stop crying. I am in pain and I feel suddenly very, very alone. I have an awesome counselor to help with the inside wounds, and the bruises will heal. I have LC, my best friend and the man who will one day father my children...maybe more. I have friends and family.

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But I feel hurt and alone. Anyone wanna come to Sheridan and give me a hug and let me cry on their shoulder for a while?

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Thanks!

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PS - More positivity coming...I have some really good hiking pics. I just haven't had the heart to deal with the pain and post too...I'm sorry!

Current update...and more disclosure

Have you ever had a friend whose life parallels yours way more than it should? I met someone here in town with whom I share a lot of things and have become very good friends with in a very short time. And I worry about this person.

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Why do I worry? Because our lives parallel each other too much.

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Things have gone dramatically downhill at home for me. I spend as much time as I can at work or in the mountains. I am continually on edge at home, hypersensitive, hyperaware of every little thing. I'm not sleeping or eating much (if at all). I'm frustrated, exhausted, and concerned. I'm nursing bruises and hurt feelings and fears. There are days when I feel like I am falling apart.

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It is challenging because I am a counselor. I tell my clients one thing, but I am not practicing what I preach. When I am at work, I put on my counselor's hat and do well with my clients. I am effective with my clients, because my sole focus is on them. It is actually a relief. But that time between clients can be challenging. And outside of work is just bad. Except when I am in the mountains. I can usually find peace there.

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You know, today is my birthday. But yet, I am numb. It just doesn't matter. HE is still here. I just want to feel happy, content, relaxed. I am going out with coworkers after work to celebrate, but my heart isnt really in it. I just want to feel better. I don't want to be on edge...waiting for next time.

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The only thing I am waiting on is for him to sell his car so that he can get back to the midwest to his family. Only $1200 stands in the way.

*sigh* so, that's my story. To my fam...this is also something that mom doesn't know details about. At 72, there's no need for her to worry more than she absolutely has to.

I need a "Bang Head Here!" sign

So it appears that Will has decided to quit his job.

In all fairness (maybe too much), it is difficult working in a group home, caring for 6 developmentally disabled total care adult residents by yourself throughout the night while doing housework and laundry. Especially when Will has his own health issues. He apparently pulled a groin muscle at work and has called in sick for the rest of this week. Monday he is going to talk to HR and see if they have a more appropriate job for him. If not, he is going to quit.

He told me this today. He wanted to sit down and discuss (rediscuss?? clarify??) my plans at this point. How many times must I explain? So...I agree. I come home from work and he asks me to go get some groceries and he'll make dinner. I get groceries and he's asleep. And asleep into the night. So I write it off. I make a PB&J for dinner and watch tv.

I am soooo frustrated!! His car is paid off and now he can't work...funny how that worked out! There is a part of me that just wants to curl up in a ball in my room and shut out the world. I am thinking that means I NEED to go hiking again tomorrow...and maybe Sunday too.

At this point, here is the bottom line: if he isn't out of here by the time our lease is up (Oct 1), I am moving out. Anyone got a spare bedroom?!?

And the other bottom line: I am sick of walking on eggshells and dealing with his anger!

AARRRGGGHHH!!! I need to go hiking!