My plan...

This week, I am checking into adopting and foster-to-adopt procedures in Wyoming. Right now, I will do whatever it takes to get Miss M here!

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My goal is for her to have a home for Christmas. We all need that!! And this kiddo has been through so much. It would be good for her to have permanency.

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I am walking into this fully aware of her past and her present challenges. And I know I can handle it. I've always loved this kiddo and there is nothing that would prevent me from helping her.

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It's funny how God works. His plan is always in motion, always fluid under the surface of our day-to-day lives. I believe that this is God's plan for me and for Miss M as well!

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I hope u all had a Happy Turkey Day! I spent mine with Missy Puppy Dog, watching tv and eating lasagne...wishing I was with family. But at least I will be with my mom at Christmas. And, if it God's will, Miss M will be with me!!

An AMAZING story...hopefully just a beginning

In another lifetime, in a land far far away, I worked with a family who had a difficult time dealing with their children. There was parental addiction and other issues, but a lot of love. There were behavioral issues in the older child (Miss M), but these were controllable with structure and attention as well as affection. I worked very hard to keep the family intact and clean. The family worked hard as well. While I was there, 5-7 days a week in the house and calling daily, the family was able to grow. Their love grew, their discipline style changed, and behaviors virtually disappeared. The family was clean and happy. Not perfect, but then again, none of us are!!! So services were gradually decreased and their case was closed. At three months the family was doing well.

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Through the grapevine, I learned that the family had relapsed. Parents had split up and were using again. Miss M was once again displaying behaviors. That was the last that I heard. It broke my heart, for I had grown VERY close to Miss M and close to mom as well. This was about 3 years ago.

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I got a call a week ago...out of the blue. Miss M is now in late childhood and mom's parental rights have been terminated. There are a lack of adoptive placements in the area where this child lives and somehow, through the grace of God, my name and contact information found it's way into the right hands. Miss M is up for adoption now.

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I don't know what the future holds. None of us do. But I formed a special bond with Miss M a number of years ago and am hoping to see if that bond still exists and can grow into a forever home for her! I adore this child and would be privaleged...no, I would be honored to be her forever home!

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(out of necessity to this kiddo's age and the need for confidentiality, identifying information must be excluded)

Thinking...

How I wish I could speak freely...my thoughts are filled to overflowing with excitement and trepidation and questions. I am seeking answers, as I am both a questioning/curious person and a logical/realistic person. This makes for a well rounded individual as well as a competent counselor, I think.

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Now, in saying this, I do not say that I am simply book smart and have lived my life through my education. I have experienced more of life than most individuals have. If I know you well enough and trust you, we can debate that one-on-one. I form deep attachments to those I care for and my truest friends remain so for life. I will say that my life experiences allow for more trust, disclosure, progress, and ultimately success with the vast majority of clients I see. This is why I am grateful for all of the experiences I have had in my life, both good and bad.

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One of my biggest shortcoming over the years has been patience. Not with my clients...not at all! I can track baby steps, I can sit silently with the client who is unable/unwilling/afraid to talk. I can explain the same things over and over again and remain calm and supportive when the same mistake continues repeatedly. It is with myself that I have always lacked patience. I have always been strong, a survivor, confident, independent, and capable. The past 2 1/2 months have challenged that. I have had to be patient with myself. I learned to ask for help and support when I needed it most, and to accept that not everyone was willing to be the support I needed at the time. Then it was time to reach out to someone else. I learned to rest when my body told me to do so, and to not obsess about how much time I was sleeping, for the brain heals during sleep.

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I have been afraid. Afraid to trust, afraid to open up again. Then I found a friend locally who I could share with. Someone who has been through a lot in his life, too. I am beginning to trust him, and he understands why this trust takes time. And accepts it. So far, he has been nothing less than a geltleman- kind, soft, and affectionate. It has been very nice.

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No, this is not my news. These are simply random thoughts. My brain is consumed with what I am not saying. Which is even better! And this news will hopefully take more form within the next week... :o)

Good days.....

I do enjoy relaxing inside with a good book, tv on in the background, while it's chilly and there's snow on the ground outside! And there's a kind of perverse pleasure in doing that on Fridays, knowing that others have to work while I can just hang out in my pyjama's...

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:o) Sorry!! Just had to go there!

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Life is going very well...although I am learning that things never happen as expected...or as planned! I am hoping to have some excitement in my life soon to share with my blogging world!

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In the meantime, I am simply living my life, having fun. I've made some very good friends here in Sheridan. I find it interesting that overall, I tend to have many more male friends than female. This has not changed over the years. I just relate well and can relax more...I'd rather chill out and watch football than get dressed up and go to the mall. That's simplistic, I know. But it's a pattern. That is only an example.

Just haven't been in the mood...

I've spent the last couple of weeks getting used to going back to work and keeping a schedule again. It's been great being back, but when I am not there, I'm still pretty tired. So I work for a few hours, go home and take a nap, then work for a few more hours. Then I have to find time to do all the usual household stuff. I am also trying hard to get out of the house and meet people and make new friends.

So, long story short, I am not blowing you off, blogging world!! I am getting my life back on track and have been quite busy. I have clearance to start working with fertility docs on having a child...so have that going on as well. :o) I do miss you all, but wanted to let you know that I'm okay and life is better and better!!

Hugs to you all!!!!

The next day...

I think I described things well last night. Because it is the light of day, I am feeling fine. I am at work and preparing to see clients. I am tired and my head hurts, but I'm doing fine. I am back in a thinking mode and am fine with that. It works for me! And I think it IS healthy for my clients. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a robot, working without empathy or any sense of feelings whatsoever. I am just closing off my own emotional baggage. I wish that I could do it forever. It feels good-it makes me feel stronger and more in control. But night time is difficult. Things are quieter and there are less distractions. The emotions take control sometimes and they overwhelm me sometimes. I am learning some skills, though, that I am hoping will help.

I am going to start seeing 5 families next week. That doesn't sound like a lot, but that means I will be seeing 12 children. And their parents. It is kind of overwhelming. But I know I can handle it. I am not sure I will be able to come back full time in 2 weeks like I originally planned, though. I get sooo tired.

Weolcome to...blogging while "Comfortably Numb"

Okay, please realize that much of what of what I am thinking and feeling is natural and for the most part does not carry over to my professional life. I am currently experiencing PTSD symptoms, anxiety/panic symptoms, and (tonight especially) a lot of anger and resentment toward my ex.

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One thing I need to clear up. Why did I do what I did? Why did I not press charges and not have things handled locally through the local police department? The major reason is distance. I simply wanted as much space as possible between us so that I could move on with my life. I did not expect what happened to happen. I knew it was a possibility. Another related reason was that if things were handled here, he would be here for hearings, would be bonded out, and available for further incidents. Distance was the logical answer. One much more minor reason was that I simply wanted him gone from my life.

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Tonight, I am angry. I am tired all the time. I can function for 3-4 hours, but then need to rest. My head hurts all of the time. I'm told this may last for a year! I have nightmares every night and flashbacks at times during the day. I have anxiety every evening that sometimes lead to panic attacks. I am scared of relationships with men and am not trusting. I am angry and I am blaming. I am a pacifist at heart, but I want karma to come around and bite him on the ass! It's just not fair!! (yes, I'm whining!)

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What I want right now I cannot blog about. I would never do it anyway. Nor do I have resources to have it done. But hey!! It gives me something to look at and wish for when things get their darkest!

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I probably shouldn't blog about this, but has been tearing me up inside. I somehow have screwed up a friendship of someone online who was very special to me. I don't know what I did and this person won't give me a chance to work it out. I cant describe how much this sucks...but it does. Maybe it happened during those weeks when I have no recall of what I did or where I went or anything else, due to the concussion and what the docs call Post Concussive Syndrome. I Dunno.

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I am doing what I need to do to express my feelings right now without losing it. While maintaining control. I have been so focused on thinking and not feeling lately that I decided it was time to talk more in depth about my feelings. I don't know how successful I've been, but I've tried. Here anyway.

And more anxiety...

Work went well today. It really did. While I didn't see any clients, I began to settle back in and work on a plan to transition my clients back to my care. It was only four hours and I left feeling exhausted, but satisfied that I will be able to transition back.

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Last night, I had a conversation with LC. I clarified the boundaries of our relationship. We are friends. We live too far apart to pursue anything more and there are issues that need to be worked on. There were two things that I told him, two revelations, that are significant.

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Right now, I am working very hard to focus on thinking and not feeling. Feeling leads to bad things. I know that this is unhealthy, but it is the truth right now. I am not numb. I can feel the walls going up, though. I went through a period in my past where I was "hard," for lack of a better word. I was angry, fearless, and pretty much didn't care. I don't want to end up there. But I am not able to handle feelings very well right now.

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The other concept is something that is not new to me, but something that I have not voiced in a long time. Every man in my life that I have been close to has left. My dad died, my oldest brother died (within months of each other). My uncle died. My ex did not leave me in the same way, but he was someone that I loved and trusted at one time who...well...you all know the story. One of my brothers is an alcoholic with mental health issues...he never really liked me. But my other brother, the one closest to my age, decided that he hated me many years ago over a stupid feud. I adored and idolized him and he left me, too. Haven't spoken to him in about 15 years.

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I just finished having a panic attack and I don't know what set it off. That bothers me. I try to analyze it and figure it all out. But sometimes I can't. And that sucks.

anxiety...

I am anxious about going back to work. I shouldn't be (anxious). When I think logically, I know that I am good at my job. I am just about back to normal physically and emotionally. I work with folks that are very supportive. My employer held my job for almost 2 months to allow me time to heal from the most debilitating symptoms of the post concussive syndrome.

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But there is a part of me that is panicked, freaked out at going back and resuming my job. This part of my brain is illogical and tries to convince me that I am not well enough and that I can't hack it. This part of my brain tells me that I can't do my job and will fail. I know where those words come from. They are not my words, but words that I have heard. The associated feelings, though, are mine. I have to take ownership of how I respond to those words.

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So I try. But some nights it is difficult to focus on positive self talk, deep breathing, calming exercises. Tonight is one of those nights. The negativity leads to anxiety and, if I can't get it under control, will lead to a panic attack.

Short term goals (disjointed ramblings)

There are a lot of things that have been on my mind. I am beginning to organize these thoughts into plans and looking to see if they are short term goals (within a year), medium range goals (within 3 years), or long term goals (within 5 years). Long term goals are difficult, because there are some factors that are not set (like where I will be living and when I have a child). By far, the easiest goals are short term. Here are my plans for the next year or so:

I already discussed my goal of getting pregnant within the next year. But there are other goals that I have as well. None quite as controversial though.

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I want to breed Missy Puppy Dog once, either in February or August, depending on the weather. So I need to find a reputable breeder nearby.

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I need to file for divorce soon. It will have to wait until I am back to work full time, because Short Term Disability does NOT pay well!!

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I need to begin to repare for the NCE (National Counselor Exam) with the goal of taking it in 2009.

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I would like to begin looking at PsyD/PhD programs in clinical psychology to see what is available in the area and what would fit my long term goals best.

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I'm sure there are more, but those are the goals that are on the top of my list.